08.07.02 | 9:43 am
it's official - he's a liar.
It's official - he's a liar. He very nearly cheated and he lied. A lot. Which is very, very bad. He's turned out to be like the people I don't like, like Elle Bradder, like ex-boyfriends that my friends cry over for treating them bad. As much as I want to, I can't hate him for it. Yet I'm not sure if I love him. Everything's changed. They way I look at him, the way I feel when he touches me and kisses me. And it scares me to think that those feelings I once felt so strongly are gone. There's just this feeling that I can't shake, like this dark cloud over us both that hangs above our head. "The air so thick with tension, you could cut it with a knife and serve it upon white plates. Or catch some and put it in a bottle, for display on your windowsill." That's from a poem I wrote a couple of years back. Back in the day stuff...
Back in the day *sigh*. How much we both wish it was back to normal. He probably wishes it more than I do, but he has to learn. I think he realises that what he's done is wrong and I know that he regrets it. But you know... I don't think I should feel bad for saying that's not good enough. I still feel bad, but I shouldn't have anything to feel bad about in this situation.
I can't hold a grudge against him for too long. Just because I miss him too much. I miss being with him too much. The only thing I'm worried about is that this feeling I have towards him now won't change. I remember on Wednesday when I first found out about what he'd done I felt sick and disgusted. I didn't want to touch him, kiss him, even look at him. I hit him, twice, and even that didn't make me feel better. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my mouth. And it's a good thing he didn't admit it to me on Wednesday otherwise I would have tried to kill him. I probably would have screamed the house down. But by Saturday night when he confessed it was him, I'd done most of my crying and hating, so I was much calmer. It didn't even suprise me, because I knew right from the start he was lying. By Sunday night, I was crying because of the aching pain I had in my heart, because of the fear that I didn't love him, because of the feeling I couldn't get out of my body no matter how long I spent in the shower... standing under steaming water.
Before I go any further I should probably explain what happened. Justin will have a big cry if I go into too much detail, in fact he'll probably cry about this anyway.
But, shit happens. Just ask me.
I was at his house on Wednesday afternoon. We were on the computer coz I was playing with some images for my diary on Adobe. He went out just to pick the girls up from school, so I was left by myself on the computer. His MSN was open and there was a few ppl online but I didn't talk to anyone. He had some new emails so I thought I'd go have a quick look. I wasn't going to go through any of them but I thought, 'Ok there shouldn't be anything in here I don't know about, a little look won't hurt.' Man was I wrong. I found two emails, dated Jun 30 and Jul 01, addressed to a girl at aol with the subjects lines of 'hey babez'. Lets just say that the content of the emails was enough to make me throw the keyboard, scream and like my heart was going to burst and then run out of the house, slamming the door behind me and runnning off down the road in my new boots. Mum and dad picked me up shortly after and we drove him, only to find Justin waiting for us at the front door.
I was so mad, I grabbed all my stuff, jumped out of the car and went to unlock the front door. He came racing up behind me and I turned around and started yelling at him not to fucking touch me. He didn't know what was happening and I slapped him, twice. Only once properly. He stayed outside with Dad for a while and called his mum, and by the time he came inside to talk to me he was shaking like someone with Parkinsons. We shouted for a little while, I couldn't believe he was actually telling me it wasn't him.
Anyway we didn't get very far. He collapsed on the bed and the yelling melted away while I had to reteach him how to breath and swallow without choking. We talked once I'd calmed him down, he said someone must have hacked into his account and put them there, that he took the photos for me and he sent them to me one night while we were chatting. I didn't believe him. But I couldn't be bothered arguing more about it because I wanted him to go home and he had to be in a clear frame of mind.
He asked to go ice skating that night. Ice skating for God's sake. And he seemed suprised when I said, 'No! Are you kidding?!'
Thoughtless.
Friday night he stayed over but he had to go to work for 11 on Saturday. I didn't sleep very well and woke up early to write meshing and then slipped back into bed. I cooked him a nice breakfast and he was hugging me and kissing me all morning.
On Saturday night he came over for my parents anniversary dinner. I was going to tell him that night before he left that I needed some space. I knew he was lying about it and that he did it, but I think he thought that he'd gotten away with it, that everything was peachy. Which pissed me off.
However I ended up getting more than I expected.
We were talking on Saturday afternoon before he came round. And I knew that he did it. He started hypothesising about what would happen if he told me it was him. When he came round we talked after dinner. I kept asking him what happened. He knew I knew. I knew it was him. He started saying 'well maybe I should say it was me anyway, just so you believe me.' And I just looked at him and kept asking him. His eyes were swelling and my look was unbelieving. And then I said, 'Was it you?' And he nodded.
It was that simple.
It didn't even shock me. I didn't feel anger, I didn't cry. I felt nothing. I almost laughed at the irony of it all. It wasn't until he started crying that I left and went and told mum and dad. Then he came out and apologised to them as well. And then I started crying. He was looking at me, and I could see the pain on his face from seeing how much he hurt me.
Then mum and dad left and we talked for a little bit. I still couldn't believe he could do something like that, especially after his experience with Elle. He was still crying and trying to hold but I wouldn't let him. I didn't think things could get any worse.
Then he threw up.
I think it was mainly the cheese fondue. And the large amount of alcohol in it. Or he could have had some bad chicken... *shrug*.
So we went to bed early and we talked for a little bit. I can't really remember much more about that night, I was really tired. I didn't sleep very well but we laid in bed for a while. He didn't want to go to work because he didn't want to leave me, and he still felt sick. So I called and spoke to Clint and told him he was still sick from the night before (which at least is partially true).
We went out on Sunday to Subiaco markets. I felt sick and clamy all the way in on the train. I couldn't eat lunch after reading a cheating article in Cleo because I felt sick. And as the day progressed, the clouds got darker and I felt worse and worse.
We got home, had dinner, watched a movie. Normal, surface-features stuff. I was quiet and he picked up on it straight away. It was about 7pm and I asked if we could go and lie down. We laid in bed, I was so exhausted - mentally and physically. We talked and I told him how I felt. We both cried a lot. It was the saddest I had been through the whole episode. Because for the first time I felt as though I might not love him. That the feelings that were once so strong had faded and disappeared. And I was so scared of not loving him and losing him. I felt like my heart was going to burst.
We turned the lights off and started to settle down. I cried myself to sleep in his arms and when I woke up he was gone. Caleb called at about 8:20. The phone woke me but I missed the call and started crying again because Justin was gone. I miss him so much, I want him back so bad. But I think we both need the time apart. And I am still mad. I'm not going to get over this like its some whim.
Anyway that's most of the story. There's other elements, but later... It's taken me almost 3 hours to write this. I've got to go and talk to him on my break.
Much love guys *sniff*
Mel.
Song of the moment: Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles