11.09.02 | 1:51 pm
wholely and completely
Hey guys for like the 3rd time today. I've gone to start writing an entry so many times today but shit always came up and my computer would end up restarting itself so I lost it all.
So... this is gonna be a serious update. Jus has been asking me for a while what I've been thinking about, ie. Kelly, him, us. The reason I haven't been saying anything is because it's like... major effort and concentration to try and focus all these random thoughts that are floating in my head. So please bear with me guys as I try to bring meaning from randomness....
Drewz and I were talking the other day, he was talking about Joey, I was talking about Jus. He asked me "How do you know you love Justin?" It took me a while to think of a decent answer because I didn't just want to come out with crap like he's so sweet and funny and sexy and romantic etc etc. So I ended up quoting Quince from Meet Joe Black - "Because I know the worst thing about him and it's okay." But the truth is... it's not okay. I'm still with him so I can obviously bear it to a degree, but like I've been saying lately. Things just aren't cutting it anymore. And then I thought does that mean I don't love him? But that can't be right, because I'd do anything for him. I'd sacrifice anything for him. That's what love is about isn't it? Sacrifices? And then I started to question the whole "us" factor. Do I really want to be with him?/Is he worth it?/Do we have a good relationship? And as I lay in bed crying myself to sleep last night, I suddenly realised that without Justin, I don't have a life. Justin is my life, wholely and completely. Which can be dangerous when a relationship is pushed to the edge like ours. Because who do you turn to when the one person you have devoted your life to for the last year, is gone? And it's true, because aside from maybe my cat and my mother, there is no one. I don't have close friends because I spend all my spare time with Justin. And that reason alone is enough to make me stay. My greatest fear is being alone. And without Justin I would be alone. Wholely and completely.
Anyway my break is over so I'll keep trying to finish this before the day ends. I probably won't make another entry until I get home though. *cry*. I have to bus it home today, I'm so not in the mood.
Much love guys,
Melinda.