11.03.03 | 7:04 pm
A true friend at long last
So.. Josh and I had a bit of a "talk" tonight. He said shit was going on between him and Drewz, something about how Drewz had like dropped him as a mate because of how he was with me. I said shit was going on with me and Drewz and me and Macca as well. I wasn't very impressed with Andrew when he had his hands all over me giving me a massage in front of Josh. Massge = me thinking nice shoulder/neck massage. Drewz massage = body lotion, dress straps down my shoulders, hands down my dress to my ass. And then Josh said this thing about how Drewz had said maybe the only reason I wanted to get with Josh was to be his first, which is absolutely bull fucking shit and Andrew knows it. Of course Andrew maintains the fact that he didn't say that to Josh but I don't believe him to be blatantly honest, because that's the sort of shit stirring thing Andrew would do. He never seems to take anything seriously and it hurts other people.
But Josh and I talked, irrelevant of what everyone else seemed to be saying. I told him I had my reasons for not wanting for us to be together right now and that I was sure I'd get around to explaining them to him one day. He said he found it hard to fathom that we spent so long leading each other on and then it ended at the click of a finger. I never meant to lead Josh on though, that was never my intention. My problem was when I got to where I wanted to be, I realised I was in over my head and not ready which is why I bolted so fast. It has/will take me a long time to fully recover from my relationship and break up with Justin. It hurts a lot that I meant next to nothing to Justin though because he was knee deep in a relationship with Casey only days after our break up. Only days after he told me he "loved me". Only days after we made love in his bed.
But enough about Justin. Things are sorted with Josh. We are great friends and able to share a suprising amount of ourselves and our personalities quite unabashedly. We both appreciate each other and I think if anything we are better friends after what happened.
Just to sate those burning curiosities though, here are the reasons why I find myself apart from Josh.
(1) He doesn't even compare to Justin. I'm still at that stage where everyone pales in comparison to Justin, even though Justin has several dislikeable traits about him. Obviously, I'm not yet over Justin so it's unfair to Josh to enter another relationship at this stage.
(2) I still maintain the fact that he's not my type. He's just not the type of guy that I look for. I admit that I have very high standards when I look for a boyfriend, but *shrug* they are my standards. I'm not saying Josh isn't good enough, he's just not the right type for me. He makes a wonderful friend though which is what I do want to keep.
(3) A very small contributing factor of my decision not to enter a relationship with Josh was the effect it would have on [now] our friends, namely William and Andrew. I know how both of these guys feel about me and no matter how much they protested, jealousy is a bitter and powerful emotion. I've told them all, including Josh, that I wouldn't be prepared to come between them as friends.
Josh has said to me that maybe one day in the future will be the right time for me and that he will always stick by my side as a true friend. And the thing is, I believe him. We won't hold the love/hate relationship that Andrew and I have, or the somewhat detached and distant one that William and I have now developed. He IS a true friend and so we'll be together that way for quite some time. We know that we both care about each other and that we appreciate each other and that we'll always be there for each other. It's not quite a relationship, but its the next best thing - a true friendship.
Much love guys.