24.12.02 | 9:28 am
bah humbug
And so this is Christmas. And what have we done?
Christmas this year feels overrated. Maybe it's because I moved out of home earlier this year and I'm not going to be getting the usual "spoiling" from Mum and Dad where we get piled with presents. Call me shallow but to a kid, Christmas is always about the presents. I enjoy giving and receiving of presents. To me that's what Christmas is about. Fuck the celebration of life shit. I love giving people presents. Ask anyone - I spend hundreds on birthdays and Christmas etc. Christmas may also feel overrated this year because I've been too preoccupied to relax and realise that it's Christmas (as Justin suggested to me). Tonight is Chrismas Eve. Yet to me it just feels like Tuesday night and tomorrow is Wednesday morning. I've been too stressed to worry about Christmas, apart from the amount of presents I have to buy everyone and the severe lack of funding to do so. Right now it just feels like its another one of those tedious and stressful events I want to get over and done with. I'm sure that my spirits will lift once I've finished my present shopping and once I start opening presents tomorrow. Yes it's Christmas Eve and I haven't finished my shopping yet.
Before you start jumping to ridiculous conclusions about the sort of person I am (ie. the sort that is lazy enough to leave all the shopping until the night before Christmas) take a moment to realise I have been very sick for oh the last two months. It was a struggle enough to bring myself to walk through Garden City last week and do most of my shopping. For someone who has a social anxiety disorder, being able to walk through a pre-Christmas shopping centre without having a complete and utter nervous breakdown is a REALLY big accomplishment. Prior to that I really was too unstable to face something like that and even now, I'm not going to be entirely comfortable at Justin's nonna's tomorrow for the Christmas lunch. There's going to be a lot of people there... lots of people make me nervous.
And then once this Christmas facade is over there's New Years Eve. I find New Years Eve even more overrated. A couple of years ago when I was out partying every single night of my holidays and getting with more guys than I could count on both hands, I celebrated everything from Australia Day to New Years Eve with passionate revelrey. Fuck the spelling on that one. Now... I just don't have that close group of family like friends anymore. I have a few close friends who are scattered and alone. My days with the Armadale crew were memorable because we did everything together. We were just like family. In the last year and this year, my whole world and life is Justin.
I got angry last night because I called Justin to say goodnight and he was at Ra's house and they were going to head off to Mikes' place later that night with Kevin. I was curt on the phone, rude even. And I realised when I got off the phone that I wasn't mad at Justin, but mad at myself for allowing myself to become so dependant on one person. And a male at that. Justin is my world. He's my best friend, my lover, my shoulder to cry on, my rock, etc etc etc. He's my Friday night and Saturday night, my dinner partner, my social date. But he has this whole other world. With the guys and all his friends from JC, basketball, dancing, soccer. I marvel at the way he can do it. And can't help but feel that he's not as committed to the relationship as I am. Then I realised, Melinda who the fuck are you kidding. Learn from Justin. Get a life aside from him. This whole dependancy thing is seriously unhealthy. A lot of my friends are sad to see me lose my independance. That was always one of my stronger points. And I swore I would never lose it. Especially to a guy. Most guys I know aren't worth it.
Anyway. He'll be here in about half an hour to take me and my little brother James up to Carousel so that I can finish my Xmas shopping. I predict I will feel little satisfaction from finally completing my shopping. I hope to prove myself otherwise.
------------
So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
------------
Oh come on. Let's just get it over with.