19.02.03 | 10:51 pm
A bitter sweet symphony
My fucking head is on fire.
So. I did end up messaging Justin after I finished writing that entry and much to my great and sudden suprise Justin told me that it was cool, he understood and that he needed to rest so he'd go out to Steve's instead.
I was so say the least, somewhat relieved.
James ended up coming as well and all in all it turned out to be a fairly successful night. Ben, being the arrogant wanker that I found him to be, was giving Josh and Macca shit for no reason at all and virtually fucking his girlfriend on the ice rink. I was less than impressed. Justin's little psycho mate, the one with the black cap and the black... well... everything was all like "where the fuck is Justin" and I was like meh. It was kinda weird seeing everyone there. Everyone except Justin.
Towards the end of the night I'd really had enough. My heart was starting to fold. I left the arena with tears in my eyes and the most folorn look imaginable on my face. I was just plain sad. And angry, angry at myself. I thought I'd already got over this, I'd been through the sadness and the aching heart. Why had it come back? I didn't want to deal with it all over again... That plus this fucking gastritis/possible stomach ulcer shit that's creeping back slowly. I'm fucking pissed man, dealing with it once is fucking bad and hard enough. Twice? And two things twice? Fuck that shit off, Christ.
And NO I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself and extract every ounce of sympathy from every one of my readers, this is how I feel so bite me.
Sadness in the car turned to anger. I bit James's head off once or twice and the guys could definitely tell something was up (in fact they could since we left the rink). We stopped at McDonald's on the way home and I stormed out to the car park with my McNuggets because I was just so pissed off. At what I do not know. Josh came out and kinda let me lean against him. He said he was worried about me but I was determined not to spill my guts and have a big whinge about my shitty life. That all changed once we were in the car and I got some food inside me. There was a lot of swearing, not heated, excited swearing. Just general, I-couldn't-give-a-goddamn-fuck swearing. We talked a bit about Elle, mostly about Justin, about ice skating, my therapy and gastritis and shit. And then all of a sudden I had like this fucking shat off feeling of wanting to smash the shit out of someone. At first I was thinking Elle, then we gots to talking about Joey and I was like damn bitch! And then things got cynical. Josh and Will started pulling all this shit about thinking positively and not letting it get to you, doing shit to take your mind off things etc etc and I was just not in the mood to hear that sorta cliché bullshit. And it pissed me off even more. As we neared home I told Will that I felt like getting completely and utterly smashed, doing the whole post-relationship, depressive drunk thing which I have not yet got out of my system. None of that Passion Pop, lolly water shit. Something smooth like wine or tequila. Southern Comfort.... *sigh*. Damn.
I messaged Josh when I got home and briefly tried to explain that he really didn't know me, what I was like, what I'd been through and everything and that shit like "think positive" really just wasn't the right type of thing for me in this particular mood, which is a goddamn cynical, bitter one in case you haven't noticed. But I also said that one day he would. I'd let him in over time, and that I appreciated his concern and his efforts. It was cool. (On a side note, I took his V-day card thing around today, a little collage type thing I made for him. Left it on his car and he stuck it up next to his bed, said he loves it which made me glad).
But yeah. I'm just.. fucking I don't know. Breaks my heart thinking about Justin these days. The anger's gone. On both our sides I think, the majority anyway. And that makes it so much fucking harder. Initially I wanted Justin to be there at ice skating tonight so he could see that I had good friends and that I was happy and enjoying my life. But then I thought no way, my heart's not prepared to deal with this yet. It's like that night he messaged me, telling me he wanted to pick me up and take me home, that he was sorry, that he loved me and needed me.... While it was everything I'd hoped to hear (and all of it lies mind you, although that's completely besides the point) I couldn't take anymore that night. Just reading the messages got my adrenaline pumping so hard I thought I was going to throw up. And I knew it would be exactly the same if Justin DID go ice skating tonight. Exactly the same as the two times we saw each other in Perth. The two times we completely ignored each other. The two times I had to pull a cigarette out to stop my hands from shaking so bad. He left me a nice message in my guestbook. I almost believed he had some compassion left in him. But I don't know. He doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't want me to be hurt. But I seem to be in two minds about everything these days.
I think... that its late and I need to go to sleep. Beneath the cynical facade of bitter words, I think Justin and I both know how I feel about him and how I will for a very long time.
I don't know how he does/did it. He must have lost it for me so, so long ago and lied about loving me right up until the last day. Because it's been over a month since we split now. And in me, the love and regret is still just as strong as it was then. And here he is four motherfucking days later with a new girlfriend the s.o.b.
I never thought it would be so hard to get over anything. Anything serious anyway. Maybe anyONE serious. I never pictured myself to be the type. But I am. This will take months for me.
I miss him so much. I miss the girls so much. It makes me cry. I love him so much. More than he ever loved me or than he will ever love me again.
And he's falling in love with another girl already.
And so, apart from what days not to go ice skating, that's all I need to know.
Much love guys.