24.12.02 | 9:18 pm
cynicism, my love for bodies and penis talk
I wish I could apologise for my last entry. I bagged Justin today for being cynical. I can't for the life of me remember what it was we were arguing about either. Politics I think. Now that's not normal, for a 17 and soon to be 18 year old to be arguing about politics. The world's going to smash I tell you. Damn, there's that cynicism again.
So I am actually kinda looking forward to tomorrow. Only because I get to give and receive presents. Right now I'm not really into the whole family spirit. I rarely am. But everyone gets grumpy if I don't at least pretend. So tomorrow is just another facade of happy smiley faces and gritted teeth. Trust me, I look forward to the point where I get to lie down in bed tomorrow. Speaking of which, fuck where AM I going to be sleeping tomorrow? Bugger me.
You watch. My views will turn ecstatic at some point in time tomorrow. I'll be over the moon. But right now? Fuck it, put it down to tiredness. Anxiety. I just feel fucking cynical.
However, on a more positive note, I've been meaning to write about this for the last couple of days, just never really got round to it. There was always something else more important to write about and then I lost motivation or energy or inspiration or whatever the fuck it is that causes me to write. What I'm trying to get at, very inarticulately, is that I've just realised how in love with my body I am. I've always been generally happy with my body. I've never been overweight. My body today is the result of a fast metabolism when I was younger, plus about 3 years of gymnastics and some extensive gym work a couple of years ago. There are elements that are less likeable about my body (I wouldn't say dislikeable) and there are elements that I love about my body.
For one thing, I don't know if you could technically call me bi-sexual, but I love women's bodies. Which can only really come from a true appreciation of your own body. They are heavenly. The smooth creamy texture of the skin, the curves - oh I could cry for the curves of a woman's waist and hips. The elegant Audrey Hepburn poise, delicate, delectable features. God created his greatest work of beauty which is the female form. And I'm not sure if this appreciation has been somewhat nutured by my recent lost of about 8 kilos (since I've been sick) but I've been looking very closely at my body recently. Mostly to try and see where the 8 kilos have gone. Everyone apart from me seems to be able to see it.
I'd have to say, it's either my skin or my shoulders that I love the most. I think maybe its just the skin on my shoulders, so I'd go for my shoulders. No joke, my skin glows. I'm not sure whether its just the artificial lighting or if its just after I get out of the shower or after I moisturise (in fact its possible its all of the above) but it really does glow. It has this completely delicious... glow! that is olive and golden and shimmery. I love the shape of my shoulders and my collarbones, the beginnings of my chest that takes place just underneath my neck and throat. The bone structure is so beautiful and has probably been accentuated by my slight weight loss.
Listen to me. You probably think I'm so self obsessed that I could talk about how in love with myself I am all night. Well I'm not in love with myself (far from it). I just happen to like the way certain parts of my body look at the moment. Rather, love. To cut it short: I love the shape of my shoulders and neckline. I love the shape of my jawline and cheekbones, the smoothness of the skin that stretches across my check. I love my hands. I've always loved hands, they're the most interesting and beautiful part of a person. I like my ankles and my wrists, my back and shoulder blades. I think its really my shoulders. All over the shoulder region. I really do find it very beautiful.
Things I do not find beautiful are unfortunately my breasts. I love breasts, just not mine. They're disproportionate with the rest of my body. In fact, they're barely existant. Yet I've never had one guy who has complained. I also hate my stretch marks. Yes, that's right, I'm 17 and I have stretch marks. Across my lower back and all over my bum. They're even starting to creep over my hips and the top of my thighs!! I've spoken to the doctor (at great length) about them and all she could say was that they can be caused by severe weight fluctuation. Which just isn't possible at all with me. I've been almost the same average weight for like the last five years. If it wasn't for my stretch marks, I'd be totally in love with my ass. My ass is bigger than my boobs which isn't saying much for my boobs, and I really don't see what it is about asses that guys love so much (seeing as they have their own!) but guys always seem to go googly over my bum. Almost every guy I've gone out with has commented on it (at great and flattering length). Which is nice but... rather pointless as I see it. I also have great muscles. My biceps are like... bigger than Justin's (although Justin's very slim as it is) and I look great when I flex them! I also have incredibly strong muscles in my stomach and legs, I just choose to leave them generally untoned for now. *laughs*. Thus is the slack person that is I.
Justin came over this morning to take me shopping and we came home early and had the house to ourselves for a short while. I had this inkling of sex in the back of my mind (our sex life has almost nearly plummeted as a result of my constant sickness). Before the inkling got very developed however, the garage door was open and the family was home. I was thoroughly disappointed but it didn't stop me from whispering to Justin how much I wanted a fuck throughout the movie we were watching with my 13 year old brother. This went on for about 20-25 minutes and had both of us substantially aroused by the time my Dad announced he and James (my brother) were going down to get some groceries. I couldn't help but giggle as I seized the opportunity and dragged Justin into my old (now nearly empty) bedroom and asked him to have sex with me. Justin was worried about getting caught (God he's so... prudish lol) but I thought it was a deliciously devilish idea and I couldn't stop giggling. So he bent me over and we had a very, very quick yet satisfying quickie. The weather was stinking hot so we were both sweating by the time we were satiated and neither of us could help but grin as we casually made our way back to the lounge room, hoping my old bedroom didn't smell too strongly of sex.
God how I could talk about guy's penis' all day. Well, all night. Justin would get upset if I didn't say "how I could talk about Justin's penis all night". Well, love. I'm sure he won't appreciate me saying this, especially here but truth is truth, right? I remember (*laugh* I laugh everytime thinking about this) the first time Justin and I met. We were nervous, etc, we went and had lunch and then agreed to see a movie. Now when a teenage guy and a teenage girl go to a movie it's like this big.. thing... where each one is wondering what's going to happen in the movie theatre and if the other one actually wants anything to happen. So we're sitting there in the dark waiting for the screen to start and I'm thinking, "Fuck, he's hot. I want to get with him end of story. But what if he doesn't like me?" I didn't want to thrust my hand down his thigh, I mean, I do have some subtlety. So I thought, "Okay, I'll put my arm through his (like linking arms). Friends do that right? If he doesn't like me he'll just take it as a sign of friendship. Good plan!" So I took a deep breath and I did it. Please keep in mind I was 16 okay. Anyway, I put my arm through his with a little bit of a grin on my face and I swear to God I felt his heart stop and his blood stop moving. I, of course, froze and immediately started panicking, thinking, "Oh my God, Melinda what the fuck have you done!" Of course, all that melted away when he put his left hand on my arm and his right hand on my bare naked knee. *giggle*. So ANYway, back to the point. Eventually things start getting hot and heavy and we're pretty much all over each other in the middle of this cinema, when my hand finally makes its way between his legs. And the first thing I felt, honest to God (and I've told this to Justin many times), it scared the shit out of me. I thought, "That can't be it." It was too. Big. And I seriously got scared. I later discovered it was in a very awkward position in his pants *laugh* which may have caused it to feel slightly... strange. But goddamn, I'll never forget that moment. Justin's... manhood (he'll kill me for this) is a bit above average. I think it's generally between 9" and 10". We usually say 9.5". And I'd probably say about 2" thick. Maybe a little less. So as you can imagine, I was more than pleased when I discovered this and have been since. I've formed this great obession/attachment to Justin's penis. I find it enthralling and I can never get enough of it. I'm one of those rare females (well teenages females anyway) that actually enjoys going down on a guy. And most of the time, I get enough pleasure just from watching Justin come or making him come.
*laughs* And I really think I better stop here, I'm going to get in enough trouble for this already. He'll ask me to go back and edit this you watch.
It's all your fault. You know who you are *laugh*. Only joking.