02.06.04 | 5:24 pm
Dying moments
Aries: Your feelings are understandable. Don't blame yourself. This is part of the process.
This is the 3rd night in a row we've spent apart. It feels so... strange. I went out to buy lunch today and I automatically started driving towards Rome's house, the way we drive home from work. I'm so used to going home, switching the alarm off, lighting the kitchen, setting my bags down in the bedroom, getting changed, switching on the news, playing with the dog, deciding on dinner. I miss him, terribly. I feel nothing but wretched.
We've barely spoken, all week. He was busy Monday and Tuesday night, but I'm not suprised that he did not call to invite me round tonight. It would be nice but he has his reasons for not asking I guess.
Things are starkly different between us. But only because I choose it to be so. If I called him now and asked to come over, there's a 95% chance that he would say yes and be pleased for me to come round, cook dinner and go to bed with him. If we played during the day, at work, the days would be filled with winks, naughty laughter and dirty thoughts. Is it me that is doing this to us? Or I am finally giving in to his doing?
Things have to stay pleasant between us, at least. My boxes are still at his house and I am looking after things for him while he is away. We are doing each other favours are we are not heartless and spiteful enough to pull out of them. He is on a first aid course tomorrow and Friday, at Kelly & Brad's for dinner on Friday night. I might see him on the weekend if I am lucky.
I miss him. I miss us. And it is such a complete effort to keep things under control, to keep myself under control. He has no idea. Oh, the things I would say now, if only I had thought of them that night. He has no idea about me at all. Sad, really.
It seems so stupid, because I know I can do better, I know I will do better. But for the love of God I cannot force myself to let him go. Not while I love him, not while I know he loves me. Sometimes I wish he would give me a reason to hate him, so that this would all be so much simpler.
How can he not regret any of this? I don't understand.
There is so much to say, so much anger, so much sadness, so much that I wish I could share with him. But I can't. We are forever living in the moment.