13.03.03 | 10:23 pm
Email Justin
You know Jus, I don't think I can handle this whole, "hey hows things!" lol at this and lol at that and "luv Jus"...
You put me through absolute living hell. No, to be more precise, the break up you put me through put me through absolute living hell. I've hated you, I've hated myself, I'm damaged my mind and body and I've become a part of realms I never dreamed of seeing at 17. And as much as one part of me fucking hates your living guts, a much larger part of me is still (and trust me, I kick it and tell it to die every day) in love with you.
Please don't try and pretend like we're friends or that we can be friends any time in the immediate future. I really appreciate that you can tell me things like you did in this email - it really means a lot to me because communication always seemed to be a bit of an issue with us. But that's the problem. It means too much. You know what I'm like. I over think things. And I can't handle "friends" because I think too much about what I had before and how I'm only a smidgen closer to getting back to it.
(1) I'm glad you like reading my diary. It's actually nothing to do with who you are, I'm always glad to hear that anyone likes reading my diary. Annie told me the other day how much she enjoys reading it. Made me smile.
(2) As far as Casey goes, you've told me diddly squat about your relationship with Casey. Yes you told me about that "one little kiss", but like I said before, I remember how upset you were about Elle and her "one little kiss" in Ireland. All else I've heard apart from that is how much you both care about each other, how you talked long into the night at an Italian restaurant in Nedlands, followed by a romantic evening at Kings Park, ending with you gushing about how beautiful she was. Yet I'm supposed to assume its not even close to serious? Excuse me for sounding like the bitter ex (again) but I don't think you're ready for any kind of relationship right now. I think you'd be better off without one. Trust, I do think you're better of without me for the time being. But I was suprised that you lost no time in finding a new gf. Countdown to commitment already.
(3) "im actually regarded as "cool" there these days... lol" <---- I'm sorry, that made me laugh. You have to understand how lame that sounds!!
(4) And well, I'm sorry I can't get over you okay? I'm sorry its such a pain in the ass for you. I'm sorry that I just happened to fall deeper in love with you than you ever fell in love with me. Like I said, it's not going to change any time in the near future. And don't think of it as one of my "issues" that I'm in therapy for. Of course true love is gonna take one fuckload of time to get over. Excuse me for being human and actually having a heart.
From Melinda x
P.S. (And this is something that I didn't add in the email cause I didn't think of it til after) But how can the net be so boring these days with all that porn and so many girls to chat to! It never seemed boring before; n fact you couldn't get enough of it as I recall!
P.P.S (Oh yes, there's a PPS). PLEASE don't call me "Melly", gawd.