31.08.02 | 11:20 pm
X-Files - Episode 3: Cést la vie
Kelly,
I do feel better that I I got it all out and I am feeling more happy that I was a couple of months back. Justin says that I have a tendancy to dig things into the ground which I agree with, but it's the way I am *shrug* I can't leave things unfinished or unsaid.
Just a note: I am not expecting an apology. What I don't understand is why you apologised to Justin.
"I never said Justin can talk to me more easily my words were":
"...the things is with Justin I inspire him, he feels I’m a person of great diversity, who holds her ground and can stay strong. He see’s me as the type of person that I’m not the type of person who can easily be brought down and he admires this and I feel that is why he can talk to me easier than anyone else..." (emailed 29-Jul-02, Kelly to Melinda.)
The reason I have dwelled on these things is because of the things you said to me. It's fine for you, because you're so strong and unoffendable that it just bounces off you like a brick wall. Lucky you. But like I've said several times before, others are more fragile than you and I think you forget that. And please, explain to me as I still cannot understand, how you can say to someone "I don't know how you can like yourself?" and not feel the slightest bit bad. That's inhumane, to tell someone that and not feel a thing. Neither myself nor Justin can understand the reasoning behind it.
What you said about me was not the truth. You could not be farther from the truth. The reason I was offended was not because of point one or point two which you offered. I can take an opinion. I can even take disagreeing on opinions. What I can't take is the careless and thoughtless manner in which you state your opinions. It hurts, not that you seem to care very much.
As far as the last argument is concerned, it was well and wholely you that turned the conversation around to myself and Justin (and I can send you a direct copy of the chat log if you don't remember). It went from us talking about why I hated Elle for cheating and then you said "Well what about Justin?" And I said "Me and Justin? What about us?..." And the discussion proceeded. You brought him into that one.
And for once the responsibility swings from me. I cannot be responsible for the now lack of communication between you and Justin. And you are weak for placing that fault on me. The reason he is short with you is because he is angry and upset with you for the way you spoke to me and the way you treated me. Those are his feelings. He's read your emails, my emails, the chat logs... so don't think he's getting a biased view on this.
Our disagreements were never about you having feelings for Justin. I knew that nothing would ever happen between you two again, I knew/know that for a fact. I also know you weren't trying to break us up (I don't know where you pulled that one from). What bothered me was I couldn't understand how he could be such close friends with someone who could be so ... whatever, I'm not going to start a list.
Also, I am a strong believer in fate. But what I passionately disagree with is clichés. Despise them. As soon as I hear a cliché I switch off. I don't like hearing other people's opinions on fate and destiny etc, not because I don't believe in it, but because it comes across as preaching, to me. That's how I interpret it, period.
"Not at any stage did i ask you to doubt yourself and ask yourself if you were a bad person." With that I will agree. However, when you say to someone "I don't know how you can like yourself" or "I don't know how Justin can love you when you carry on like this." How else am I supposed to take it? Honestly, please tell me. That is the harshest, most bitter and spiteful thing any living person has ever said to me. It made me feel degraded, in your incredulous tone... how can you even like yourself you disgusting person, how can he love you??.... How else was I supposed to take it? Again, others are more fragile than you but you didn't think of that before you said it.
And for the thousandth time, I know I put you in an awkward position. I apologised for that. And I wanted to resolve the matters as quickly as possible to get you out as well, I told you this. I respected you and always considered your feelings, or how you would react to something I said, even if it was my opinion. I always considered how you would feel if I said something - that is something I did not receive from you. You said what you felt and if I didn't like it, too bad. That was not what I asked for.
Justin has told me many times over I am stubborn. I am as stubborn as all hell and will admit that any day. There has been no crime here, I really don't understand where you pull some of your ideas from. I'm glad I never made you doubt yourself, that's not what I was trying to do and if I ever did then I would apologise, as it is not right for anyone to make another person doubt themselves, whether done intentionally or indirectly.
It does not end here. And it will not end until you hear from Justin. Because obviously I don't seem to be getting through to you. Maybe if he speaks to you, then you will understand where I'm coming from and why this is so important to me. You seem to have all these ideas about me that are so wrong and which are very upsetting to me, but you don't seem to care if I get upset over them. I'm just supposed to deal with it. If Justin speaks to you maybe you'll see that I'm not the one who's being unfair here.
I'm sorry that you and Justin no longer hold a powerful friendship. I'm also sorry that I can't be held responsible for that. Justin's feeling are his own. No matter how much he loves me, how much he would die for me, I cannot change his heart, what he sees are fair or unfair, right or wrong. But cést la vie am I right?