27.11.02 | 12:10 pm
it fucking sucks big hairy black cock.
Well its good to see that my counter is very gradually making its way back up to the standard that it used to be at!
I'm at my parents house (again!) because I left work early (again!) because I'm SICK (AGAIN!). Grrr, I'm so looking forward to the doctors today so she can tell me what the fuck is making me so sick!!! I felt fine this morning, I ate almost two whole pieces of toast and I got to work on time. At about 8:30 I suddenly started getting pains in my stomach so I figured I must be hungry. I ate half a goddamn Cruskit and then that was it, I had to leave work cause I felt so sick. I made it downstairs where I sat in the shade for a while trying to relax and settle my stomach. Then I got up to walk to the bus stop and I had to quickly go into Rhodes Café so I could run to the toilet - I felt like vomiting. I was stuck in the toilet for ages because everytime I went to leave I'd feel like I was going to vomit again. Eventually I had a couple of Quick-Eze chews and left the café. I started walking down St Georges Tce to a little spot I'd sat a couple of days before. It was nice and shady and everything so I thought I'd sit there, let the sickness pass and then go home. But no. The sick feeling did not pass, it just got worse. And worse. And worse. Until I constantly felt like I was going to vomit. Now this is worse than actually vomiting because once you throw up its done and you get better. But I never actually threw up today (not that there was hardly any food in my stomach anyway) and it was pure hell. I felt like dying. So I called Dad after about another half an hour and asked him to come and pick me up. I felt so bad because he's driven me around so much lately. But he came and picked me up and I was relieved to get in the car and be heading home. I had the window down and the seat back the whole way.
We stopped at Skipper Mitsubishi (where Mum and Dad bought their new car - same as the pic but maroon) cause Dad had to pay something and I went to the loo while I was there as well. Same thing happened, as in every time I went to leave I felt like I was going to vomit again. So eventually I forced myself back to the car and I started getting hunger pains and rolling, burning waves of nausea again. I was out of Quick-Eze ant-ancid chews (*curse*) so I ate my last Lifesaver for a quick sugar burst. Once we were on the road again I started feeling a little better (though very hot!!) and we stopped at a servo for some petrol and Dad bought me a Frosty Fruit (my fav) which settled my stomach a little.
So anyway I'm home now with my pretty cat who's asleep in the lounge. Mum and Dad have gone out for physio so I'm going to try and eat some rice and then lay down and watch a DVD.
I spoke to Justin very briefly on the phone last night... He asked me if I was still seriously angry at him. I said not seriously. Then he said he should go. We ended up chatting a little longer and he asked or said (I can't remember exactly) that I was feeling vindictive. He went on Word to check the meaning to make sure it was the right word and I don't know whether it was or not because I hung up shortly after.
"Vindictive. Spiteful, malicious, bitter, mean, cruel, hurtful, nasty, unkind, malevolent (he missed that one because he didn't know how to pronounce it), unforgiving.." < beep beep beep... >
And I hung up. I was mortified and couldn't believe after all that had happened he was sitting there reading me a list of my faults. I just didn't want to talk. He rang probably about 15 times after that, none of which I answered. He left about 2 or 3 voice msgs at which point I msged him and told him to stop calling and stop leaving voice msgs as it cost me money to listen to and delete them.
After that he stopped ringing. He called once later that night at about 12 and then once this morning at about 6. I spoke to him very briefly on MSN this morning where I was in the process of composing an email to him. However we kinda ended up talking about the content of my email anyway and once I started feeling really sick I couldn't be bothered so I closed it.
I told him last night that I needed some time. What I really need is for him to have some time. Some time to realise exactly how much I mean to him and what he'd do if he lost me. Because he doesn't seem to think of that when he flirts with other girls online, or asks for their pictures or gets off on porn. Everytime its the same thing. I find something that upsets me, I become upset and I get a sorry, I'll never do it again I promise. Yet it continues. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to say "it's okay I forgive you" this time. Because it's not. It's really not. He's pushed it a little too far. And I really need him to understand that. Like really. And while I all yesterday and today I wanted nothing more than to call him and say "I want to see you, can you come round?" I couldn't. Because I'm not going to give in this time, just like every other time. He must understand that it's not okay. I'm not going to be taken for granted anymore.
All that said I'll probably call him and ask him to pick me up from the doctors this afternoon, only because he offered last night and because I don't know if Dad will want to drive me home. If it is something like stress which is causing my sickness (which I suspect it is), it's not something I'm going to be able to take a few pills for and be rid of it in 48 hours. This is killing me emotionally and physically, not to mention crippling me at work. The new promotion starts tomorrow and I've got to be 100% otherwise I'll fall behind and miss out on even more pay. I can't afford this I really can't. My holidays are in less than a month, couldn't this sickness have waited until then.
Meh, I spose the best I can do is the best I can do. Eat as much as I can, rest as much as I can and at least go to work every morning to show that I'm trying.
My whole life is falling apart and it fucking sucks.
With love
From a breaking Mel.