23.12.02 | 11:15 am
careful balance is perfection is beauty
This weekend was mind blowing. I nearly lost it completely on Sunday. My head was so completely packed full of thoughts and desires and fears and so many incomprehensible things, I screamed for release and I've had to wait until now. I tried to write in my leather diary but I couldn't get the words down fast enough. So I sat at my desk typing on a notebook that wasn't turned on because I lost the power adaptor for it. It was the only way I could stop myself from going insane.
My thoughts were of me. My health, my state of mind, my body, my excessive need to create and communicate. My desires were of my life ahead. What I want to do, what I want to be, what I want in a career, where I want to live. My fears were of my frame of mind, my health, my relationships, the thought of my desires failing. Like I said, the rest was incomprehensible. You almost had to be there.
Right now my health is very important to me. I can deal with depression and issues of the mind but when it comes to the point where its affecting me physically, that's where I draw the line and endeavour to take back my life. Nothing is worth putting your body, your own physical temple in distress and pain. I always thought I could control my life, 100%. To a degree I could even be labelled a control freak. The idea of not being in control disturbs me because I like to think it's my life. It's this part of me that no one else can touch, that no one else can alter. It's mine, all mine and nothing can change that. And no one else should be allowed to change me. What gives them the right? It's me. I am something to myself. Unique and exquisitely untouchable. Thus the idea of someone else being in control is completely unacceptable. I feel like a puppet. Like I have no control over my own life. And that does not seem logical. Does not seem fair. So I must actively take back that control and restore a certain order to my life. My body is suffering and I cannot allow that to continue. My health is my number one priority. For the first time in my life, I am the most important thing to me right now.
So rather than being kicked around, I'm going to kick you to the curb
So rather than being pushed around, I'm going to push you away first
So rather than trying to protect you, I'm going to cover my bases first
So rather than trying to open my heart, I'm going to lock it with a key
So that only the special ones, can ever get through to me
- George, Special Ones
Upon realising this I also realised what a beautiful thing life is and what the possibilities in life are like. And its very exciting. I feel inspired. My thoughts and my words and the way I write has been appreciated and its very touching to feel that. And to have reciprocation of the same. To find a like mind can be very exciting, I find it fuelling. These are stimulating times. I've realised what I want in my life. I want my life to be filled with beauty, I want to be surrounded by it, in all its flawless and nameless forms. And in order for that to occur I must have a career and a home that is filled with such.
I want to be an artist. A musician, a fashion designer, a stylist, a writer, an events organiser, a manager, a PR officer, a chef, a food and wine critic, a viticulturist, a restaurant owner and so many other things. Food and wine and art to me are life's most beautiful things. Art includes so many things. Being a chef can be considered being an artist. Art can be writing, painting, drawing, sculpting, designing, coloring, organising, composing and most importantly creating. I want to create. And I want to create only those things which are beautiful. The rich red color and delectable fragrance of a full bodied wine in a perfectly shaped crystal glass. The fine dining cuisine meal, perfectly seasoned and proportioned on a fine china plate in a stylish and elegant restaurant. The perfectly designed and organised stage setting for the opening and release of Giorgio Armani's latest fragrance. Seeing someone enjoy my food, my wine, seeing something I've organised come together perfectly, that's what I want in my life. Enabling others to share and become engrossed in the beauty I have created. That is what I truly want. I want a home with fashionable furniture and a decorative style, I want color coordination, a subtle theme to be enhanced by perfectly sized creamy candles, the perfect texture of the rug to compliment the overall feel of a certain room, the classic and carefully balanced selection of wines, food, music and books. And I crave this so much that I feel my heart will burst if I dream of it any longer. Beauty has become my inspiration. And I revel in finding it and inwardly rejoice at the beautiful possibilities my life has ahead.
I will have my beautiful and perfect life. If I have to work my body and mind until the end of days, I will have my beauty and I will endeavour to share it with the rest of the world. These are exciting times. Exciting times. I am 17 and I can't wait to start my life.