14.10.02 | 3:01 pm
the most complex sane person on Earth
- from Mel to Justin -
"But when i tell you what i think about you inside you seem to get really defensive, even though that day was different. You dont like talking about well... You... your happy in your own world and sometimes its like you dont want me in..."
It's not that. Don't think that I'm happy in my own world because my own world is lonely and there's nothing more that I fear than lonliness. The world I share with you dominates my life. It's happy, it's fun and it's beautiful. It is the world inside me that comes out at dark times of my life.
I don't know why I get so defensive. Not yet. I used to think how can anybody tell me who I am if not even I know? But now I'm not so sure. I've tried to go back through my past and discover and defining moment which explains my personality today, but I haven't found it. I suppose I don't like the idea of being weak. And not being in control makes me weak. Not being in control of who I am or what people think of me. Maybe I'm a control freak :P
Sometimes instead of getting angry I get scared. I cry and feel like a small child, instead of swearing and yelling. It's strange and confusing and scary because I can't control it and I can't explain it. It does my head in just thinking about it... its like a really really big knot. It takes so much concentration to untangle on part of the knot, and just when you think you have it, you realised you just made another part of the knot even tighter.
"The most complex sane person on Earth."
With all my love
From a lost and confused Mel.