08.03.03 | 10:24 am
It's just a little crush
First note for the day - An incredible thanks to Daver for being a great friend. Second note for the day, a big SCREW YOU and UP YOURS to Isabella and Jasmin. I agree with Daver on many levels. (1) Sex is sex. I'm not one of those people that has to be in love to have sex. (2) Josh and I were not drunk. We had been drinking but we were both very well aware of what was happening, what was being said and what was being done. (3) Justin hooked up with Casey FOUR DAYS after we broke up. I hooked up with Josh like what... 2 months after we broke up? Where's the shame in that? Christ people.
Anyway, enough of defending myself in my own goddamn diary (what IS the world coming to). Work's been good all week. I was on my own yesterday cause Fran (my supervisor) gets every second Friday off. But I only worked (and I mean WORKED - it was fkn busy!) til 12 cause I had my psychiatrist appt and therapy in the afternoon. The appt wasn't too bad... I didn't really like the psych that much, I didn't feel comfortable talking to her, so I felt much better when I was in with Lorraine for my normal session a couple of hours later. I was all spaced out and weird yesterday... very vague and lazing all over the sofa... Bit weird lol :P
Most of the session was about my situation with Josh, the part I play in my relationships with people, the standards I have for myself and other people, the unhealthy amount of guilt and blame that I too readily accept... It was a fairly good session. As it always is.
The guys came over last night for dinner (an HOUR late, Christ). James cooked mongolian veal and teriyaki veal with zucchini jasmine rice, mmm. We ended up bumming around at mine for a while, I was tired and lazy and couldn't be bothered going out to Northbridge like we'd planned. So we ended up going into Vic Park, met Ryan and Mel and a couple of others at some pub (although I couldn't get in, of course). I was in a shocking mood yesterday, I felt uncomfortable around Josh which put me in an even fouler mood and.. *shudder* it wasn't too much of a great night. We ended up going to La Q for an hour, some of Josh and Drewz's friends were on the table next to us, and then we headed out to the foreshore for about half an hour before coming home. I climbed into bed at around 12 and I was fucking buggered, just really tired and hot so I did fall asleep straight away but I was waking on and off all night. Thinking about too much shit as well.
Andrew msged me at about 1 it must have been saying "don't fuck him around mel. just don't!" and I was like wtf? He said to me not to hurt Josh and I said well I wasn't planning on it if I can help it! I asked if Josh had anything to say on the way home after they dropped me off last night and Andrew goes "Plenty". So I messaged Josh this morning saying "So... I don't know where to start. I hear you had plenty to say last night..." The bugger ended up calling which I so wasn't expecting, so we talked for a little while. Josh said I spin him out. In a good way. He said he cares about me a lot and he would stand by me while I'm going through/recovering from all kindsa shit etc and that he just wanted to know where he stood. I didn't have to heart to tell him, at least not this morning. I couldn't think how. We're going to be friends and that's all. We both knew it would never be serious but Josh said something along the lines of how he would be prepared to wait if it was just a matter of time before things got serious. But I'm not looking for that kind of commitment. I know what Josh wants but its more than I'm willing to give, again. Like it is/was with Andrew and with William. So to save all the complications that we've been unsuccessfully trying to avoid anyway, I think it would be better off if we remained just good friends. Of course there's always going to be that little... "thing", we did have sex after all. But right now, I really don't feel comfortable with anything other than a plutonic friendship.
Anyway, I better be cruising. Much love guys.
P.S. Song of the moment: Crush, by Jennifer Paige