13.02.03 | 10:45am
Happy as Larry
"Everyday is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it’s hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain
I’m so ashamed"
Christina Aguilera, Beautiful
I called Jus about 10 minutes ago, spoke to him for about 30 seconds, just to see how he was feeling. God I miss that boy so much. I rarely think about him at all these days. Small things trigger a brief flash or memory, songs, places, etc. But when I sit down and really think, I miss him so much. And it’s not just one thing either, I miss everything about him, everything about being with him, When I heard his voice on the phone, it sounded so strange. I was so used to it before, I’d hear it at least twice or three times everyday. And now it sounds frightening, deep, like a stranger. And it made me a little bit sad that’s all. It’s for the best though. At least now we’re both happy. And maybe in many, many years to come, we might be two of those rare and fortunate people who are able to find again the beauty they once shared. I don’t hang on to the idea of that like Andrew sometimes holds on to the idea that I will fall in love with him in many years to come, it’s just a thought. Not something that I will allow my world to revolve around. Because these days I just don’t care as much as I used to. Especially about Andrew. I mean I care about Andrew as a friend, but if he wants to be upset and miserable and pained about not having me etc etc, then let him. I’ve given up trying with him. I’ve lost patience.
Because I refuse to be brought down anymore. I refuse to put another person’s happiness before my own.
For now at least. And you know what? Fuck, it’s the best goddamn feeling in the world, being happy and having fun and not having to worry about making people upset. Because William and Josh, they’re just the same. They wouldn’t let me bring them down. We’re too busy enjoying ourselves to be worrying about upsetting each other. And I’m sure Justin is going through the same thing as well. So I’m happy that we’re both happy, in our own ways. I still think it was a bit soon for Jus to jump into another relationship *shrug* not because I’m jealous of Casey, well, I am but that’s besides this particular point. *shrug* I just think he’d be better off giving the whole relationship thing a rest for a while. I’ve realised now that as much as I’m attracted to Josh, I’m not ready for another relationship yet. And in 6 months time, I might be just as happy as I am now. But Jus might be in the same place we were in our relationship in 6 months time. Because he sure as hell is in the same place we were 1 month into our relationship. Still gushing over the girl, talking about how sweet her voice is, how beautiful she is, smiling non-stop, taking her out. And I wonder if the rest of their relationship will follow suit to ours. Will he betray her like her did me? Or will he treat her the way she deserves to be treated and never let that doubt settle in the first place? Maybe, maybe not. For her sake, I hope that their relationship goes a lot better than ours did after the first 6 months. Anyway, enough babble. Got house work to do lol.
Later guys x