25.11.02 | 8:53 pm
boys suck.
So... what to do, what to do. Unfortunately, I'm not any wiser it would seem to most people reading my diary. I'm not any smarter. Because if I was any smarter then I would have left a long time ago. But I'm in love. And although love can be blind, I'd rather be blind and in love then all seeing and alone. Justin and I both know in our hearts that this is the last time I will tolerate something like this. And I regret to announce that it has taken this long and this much for Justin to realise he's got a problem, that he's hurting me, and that he's got to stop. And I'm not the only person that understood that either.
I never thought of myself as a weak person, someone who could be taken for granted, someone who would do anything for love. To me there was always a line. Cross it and it's "hello next person in the que". I have flaming insecurities now and troubles of the heart seem never ending. And I told Justin this. I told him you've got to stop taking me for granted otherwise I'll just go. You can't expect to play your harmless games with your faceless girls and then come home to me at the end of the day. It doesn't work like that. Where's the respect?
I spoke to Andrew today for the first time in about 3 or more weeks. I figure if Justin can still talk to Kelly, even if it is "the first time in ages" then I can talk to Drewz for "the first time in ages". I emailed him a copy of the letter I sent to Mum and Dad and msged him asking him to read it. I got an OK and that's all so far. No reply yet.
It's hard. I mean, who do I turn to when problems arise between Justin and I? He hates me telling my parents about what's happened because he thinks they'll "hate him more", he hates me talking to Drewz because he's in love with me. My world is a very small one. And Justin takes the largest slice of the cake.
So if I were you reading this and this was your diary, I'd ask you the same question I'm about to answer now. Why do I stay?
Well... when it comes down to it, I love Justin. With all my heart, I really do. I would die for him without a moment's hesitation. And I'm a strong believer in things like "love conquers all". Fair enough love doesn't conquer the bareness of your cupboards or the $0.00 display which keeps coming up on your bank statements, but I believe that if the love is real, then a problem can be fixed. Justin knows he doesn't deserve another chance. He'd probably say he never deserved a second chance. I can be a forgiving person, given the right amount of time and the right healing process. But I will not let myself be abused any longer. Like I said, we both know this time is it. Once more and that's the end. For good. And it's not a threat, its a fact. Because otherwise Justin could keep playing me and playing me and playing me, knowing that everytime I caught him, he could apologise, give a big sob story and then a week later he'd be back in my good books and he could resume play.
I want Justin to appreciate me that's all. There have been so many things that have disrupted our relationship in the past, that I'm beginning to wonder what's left. It's fair enough Justin saying that I'm all he wants, but I want to feel wanted. I want to feel like I'm his shining star, not that I'm just another star in the sky like any other. For so long I've felt that I'm not enough for him, thus all the girls he talks to, thus why he flirts so much, thus why he looks at so much porn. Just silly shit like that. Sounds petty, but nonetheless it still affects me.
Anyway I should probably go now... this will have upset Justin enough anyway, though its not on purpose. I'm just one of those silly people who'd lose their mind if they didn't write. I hope I get a good sleep tonight (*mel's still feeling pretty sick*) so tataa guys.
Much love
From Mel.