31.03.03 | 8:14 pm
Losing sleep
So yeah. Caleb's back. Again. For two weeks, as his sister's wedding is this Saturday.
There goes my world again, upside down.
Back to nervous girlish excitement, charming smiles and the racing pulse.
However accompanied by the stillness that lies in our hearts. How things will never be the same again. Here we are, two acquaintances, exchanging pleasantries over coffee, for surface features sake. That's how we always said it would be.
Its hard having him back. And then having to let him go again. Kinda like with Justin. Sometimes I wish K would stay away, just forever. That way it wouldn't be so hard. Having him back and being happy while it lasted but then being sad when I lose him again. That's why I want Justin to stay away from me. He doesn't understand I don't think. He just gets angry and yells about how I say everything's his fault.
So many times I've been tempted to call Justin, ask him to come for a drink with me, so we could just talk, like two friends, like normal people, without arguing over our break up or what's wrong with the other person. But I haven't. Because I need to let him go in the end. And I want to do it now more than ever.
Now usually, I'd msg/email this to Justin because I always want him to know how I feel about everything. And its kinda difficult, like breaking a strong habit, not doing it this time.
Sometimes I wish I'd never met Justin. Because he's right. The bad does outweigh the good. Because everything in the last two months has been bad and we weren't even together during that time. Love comes and goes. And I guess it is better to have loved and lost, that never to have loved at all. We were in love and it was great while it lasted, but sometimes you gotta wonder hey. If someone really is worth it. And I'm at the stage now where Justin isn't worth it. Not to me. And I'm not worth it to him. So it works. But it still hurts. Everything seems to hurt me, I'm the one who has to get over things, who has to endure it. Justin was alright. He was over it so long ago and had a rebound girlfriend straight away. Who gives a fuck about how it made me feel, what it said our relationship meant to him. Lots of things hurt that he doesn't realise. But he's fine.
I keep saying I'm fine. Fine without him. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. Not that I'd ever tell him that. He's seen enough of my weaknesses and I wouldn't give him anymore satisfaction of thinking he was better off without me. Because I can prove I'm just as well off without him. God forbid I should actually start enjoying my life.
Guys are far too fickle. Having K back just stirs up all kinda shit... heart, mind, body.
I wish I could just sit down and talk to Justin. Talk without fighting. Without being bitter. Talk like we actually once cared about each other. But you can't have one without the other. So many times I've said I don't want him in my life which I don't. And then sometimes I do. I wish we could just talk. Even pretend that we at least liked each other. As friends, not romantically. But that's never going to happen so its probably for the best that we do steer clear of each other.
I hate this. I hate not being able to tell him how I feel or what I think. That's why I've always emailed or messaged him even after I'd said I didn't want anything to do with him. I want him in my life but I know he's no good for me and it'll only cause more pain and he's not worth it. He knows what I'm like though. I'll lose sleep over not being able to tell him all this and he knows it.
What can I do hey? *shrug*. Shit happens, you live through it and you learn from it. Things are good when you learn from it and not so good while you're living through it.
Miss K. Miss Jus. Never have either of them back. Can't seem to let go and I fucking hate it. What to do? *le sigh* Oh what to do...
Much love guys.