07.02.03 | 6:26 pm
More issues with room for discussion
"All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
Running through my head
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough"
Russion duo, Tatu, All The Things She Said
All the things she said / running through my head / this is not enough. Too true hey? I’ve been saying lately that my diary has been getting boring cause there’s nothing to write about. But that is so not true because on the same token, I always say “there’s more to say, but then there always is”. So really, there’s always something to talk about or write about, I think you could go on and on talking until the day you die. It’s just a matter of finding what to talk about.
So today, it’s me.
There was a top I wanted from Atelier ages and ages ago, a cute little red tee with thin white text in a straight line saying “it’s all about me”. And I was like yeeeah, I want that top!
Many people see me as self centered. And in reality, I don’t think they’re too far off really. I discussed the issue of narcism with Lorraine yesterday. I realised there are three very distinct character traits I have sub-consciously and very seriously adopted from my Dad. They are: (1) narcissism; (2) being judgemental; and (3) being materialistic. I’m also quite convinced that there are several other traits that I’ve picked up.
Narcissism: n. A morbid love and admiration of self. – narcissist, n. – narcissistic.
If asked the question, I would not say that I was in love with myself. A couple of years ago I would have agreed that I was an extremely confident person, even arrogant. It’s a tricky question this one… Because they say that part of loving a person is to overlook or see past their faults. So, even though I am very aware of my own faults, physical and personal, (and not entirely proud of many of them), is it possible that I may be in love with myself? I must blatantly admit that many times I have looked in the mirror and secretly thought ‘Fuck you’re a good looking girl’ as I’m sure many other people secretly have. I’ve even been so arrogant as to speak those words (or words to that effect) to myself usually and to a very select few on a minimal basis. And at other times I’ve thought, ‘Damn girl, you look like shit and you’re starting to get cottage cheese legs already!’ as I’m sure many others have also.
I find my best moments are after I’ve been shopping, or I am in the process of shopping, usually in Perth. Usually wearing high heels with some gorgeous looking outfit. Well knowing that I look great and that there are more than one or two heads turning when I walk past. Either out of envy, hatred or pure lust. Walking at a reasonably fast pace, so that I look like I have somewhere to go, somewhere to be, someone to see. And during this process I am usually wearing quite a grin, all the while thinking to myself, ‘this is what its all about Melinda. You look great, you know it and so does half of Perth. How can you not love being you?’
The rest of the time when I’m grinning, I’m thinking, ‘Melinda, you are a baaad girrl.’ It usually involves a guy, recently it’s been Steffen and Josh. Last night I was at Carousel with my boys and we were in Live, trying to decide which would look the hottest out of a blue top, red top, black top or white top. Eventually the male consensus was that white would be the hottest (why is that may I ask?!). Then I decided to be really naughty and go and try it on. So I’m there in the change room with this size 8, white halter neck, semi backless top, putting it on and getting ready to display it to 4 teenage guys, 3 of which thought I was already attractive, the 4th being my brother. And I was grinning whilst changing, thinking ‘you are a baaad girrl Melinda, you know you’re going the be the centre of attention and you’re gonna love it. In fact, you’re going out of your way to do it because you know these guys will think you look hot.’ And I did it anyway. They did all love it and I acted completely innocent and self critical. *shakes head*. I’m so shameless. And I know it was bad, but given the opportunity, I’d do it all over again. Why is that? Am I in love with myself? Am I self centered? Am I arrogant? I would be eager to hear your unabashed thoughts and opinions.
Judgement: n. The act of judging; the act of deciding or passing decision on something; and so on and so forth (the definition goes for quite some time). Judge mentalism or the act of being judgemental.
So, for those who are so eager to know, physical appearance is what I judge a person by. Badly. To a chronic and almost obsessive degree. I sit on a train and examine the two men sitting opposite me. Both shirt and ties. One has black glossed leather shoes with a good thickness on the sole. Black socks. Black pants with a crisp crease down the front and back of the legs. Good length. Glossed leather black belt with silver buckle. Stylish. A good quality shirt that doesn’t wrinkle. Pale blue. Well fitting in arms and shoulders. Slightly darker tie. Modern but non descript pattern. Gold wedding band. Well conditioned skin. Silver watch. Looks good quality. Few wrinkles. Salt and pepper hair. Black leather briefcase. Good condition. Glossed leather.
The other man has brown shoes. Very thin soles. Scuff marks that have been covered with brown polish. Blue socks. Cream pants that are slightly too short with a few creases in them. The creases in the front are messy. Black leather belt, was once glossed but now slightly aged. White shirt. Thin, cheap looking material. Short sleeves. Slightly too tight across the shoulders. Navy and white tie. Old design – stripes. Gold wedding band. Slightly wrinkled skin. Silver watch, old, cheap looking. Thinning hair. Wrinkles on forehead. Frowning somewhat. Brown leather briefcase. Scuff marks on bottom, corners and edges.
Both men are around the same age. Yet I dislike the brown shoed man more than the black shoed man. He is dressed poorly, his items are old and in poor condition. He is not physically attractive. Probably less wealthy. Thus I think less of him. And I admire the black shoed man for his taste, style and image projection, even though it may be sub-conscious to him. I imagine him to be a likeable man, intelligent, well off, happily married. I imagine the other man to have a cheap lifestyle accompanied by cheap jokes, jolly smiles and nervous coughs. A somewhat strained marriage and a far from desirable job. I feel a strong distaste for him and wrinkle my nose. I feel some sympathy or pity towards him. And this is my somewhat sad view on life. If a person is ugly in my eyes, overweight, poorly groomed, badly or distastfully dressed or any other negative thing to do with physical appearance, I think less of them as a person. First impressions are important to me. However I am quite often surprised at what excellent characters many of these people are when I get to know them. It’s a habit I’ve not yet been able to break, however I have gone so far as to realise that it isn’t an entirely good thing and that it’s something I can and will consciously change.
Materialism: n. The doctrine which denies the existence of spirit or anything but matter; due care of our material nature.
“The best things in life are free / But you can give them to the birds and the bees / I want money / That’s what I want”.
My dad has a materialistic streak in him. It was forced to it’s ugly peak late last year, to the point where he bought my Mum a telescope for her birthday, we had a new DVD player, new wide screen TV, Foxtel and a new surround sound system, an autographed James Bond wall hanging (featuring 4 out of the 5 actors who played James Bond along with 4 miniature car models from their debut movie) which was worth around 3G, a modern Joseph Zaego painting (now worth a few thousand), 2 cars that were only just a year old each and through all that, a 10G debt to credit cards. Mum and Dad were thinking about selling the house and one of the cars just to pick us up from Dad’s spending sprees. Walk through our somewhat large estate house with high ceilings, 4 bedrooms and a study, formal lounge, formal dining, meals area, family area, games room with pool table, kitchen with an island bench, 2 bathrooms (one with a spa) and a powder room and you’d think we were well off judging by not only the neatness, style and décor of the house but also from the useless yet expensive looking materials such as paintings, furniture, vases, mirrors, statues and so on and so forth. I mean, fuck, I think we’re rich when I really look around the house. Thing is, we’re so not. We just look like we are. And that’s all that matters to Dad. And I think this also interacts with my idea of being judgemental.
Image is everything.
Whether you are rich or not, what’s important is that you project a wealthy image of yourself and your environment. And if you are a decent, intelligent, moral person then you dress as such, with style, decorum and taste. If I see a well dressed person, I think of them highly. I think of them as a person style, decorum, taste, decency, intelligence and morality. If I see a poorly dressed or unattractive person I wrinkle my nose and often think somewhat untasteful things about them and I think of them as less of a person than I am.
It is about image. Whether it’s your own physical image or the image you present of yourself as a person, financially. I own a lot of very nice things, clothes, jewellery and shoes. I have no money but I own lots of nice things. And I buy a lot of very nice things, for myself and other people. Whether I can afford to or not. I cannot allow myself to buy a gift for someone usually under $30. I don’t like giving cheap presents, even if it means I’m going to be sent a second late notice on my phone bill. I feel satisfied and fulfilled when I buy someone or myself something expensive. Because if it’s expensive I know that the item is good quality and tasteful.
This is probably one of the most honest entries I’ve ever written. There is maybe one or two people I can think of that I’ve shared these ideas with openly. And here I share them with the world, ready for judgement. Why? I have no idea. The idea of sharing inspires me and fuels my writing. I can guarantee there will be many people who will think less of me as a person for the way I think and I expect that. Each man to his own. Just so long as everyone knows I’m not entirely proud about these issues plus many others. I am aware that there are correct and incorrect parts of things I think and I’m prepared to accept and change that. I’m just sharing my journey of life and self discovery so please enjoy it, read it with an open mind and share all your thoughts and opinions, negative and positive.