07.12.02 | 7:40 am
PANIC!!!
Hey guys,
Again, apologies for the lack of entries. I've been at my parents house and at Justin's a few times and had the opportunity but honestly just could not be bothered.
I've mentioned it off and on in a couple of my last entries, but I've been sick since Melbourne Cup day which was a month ago now. I went to the doctor again yesterday because I was having real issues, physical and emotional. She's diagnosed me with chronic gastritis and given me a month off work due to illness - panic/anxiety disorder. I have a fear of people vomiting or feeling sick, including myself. I have had ever since my parents can remember. And with this gastritis I've had, it's made me very sick and has elevated my already too high anxiety levels to a point where they're unmanageable and unbearable.
She offered to put me on pills, but I said no. Give me a week to relax and try and take it all in and then I'll see how I am.
And thus begins the painful, oh so painful journey back to recovery. The issues adding to my anxiety are of course my physical illness of gastritis (caused by stress and excessive alcohol :P), my relationship issues with Justin, Justin's stress issues, my parents, moving out and being able to cope, the relationship between Justin and my parents... there's a lot of contributing factors, although Justin thinks that my sickness and disorder is mainly caused by him, WHICH IT'S NOT. The state I'm at now is the result of events building up over several years, plus everything in the last couple of months.
But anyway, I've gotta go, I'm starting to get belly cramps again so I should try and eat something. I've lost 5 kilos in the 4 weeks that I've been sick. Kinda scary. Justin's coming round to talk this morning as well (I'm staying at my parents house for the weekend) and we're sposed to be going dancing at his old dancing school, Shirley's. I doubt I'll feel it up to though I really enjoy dancing. Justin used to be a state ballroom dancer with his sister, Kira, when he was about 12. He never danced with his sister but they danced in the same competitions and all. They've got boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes of trophies, medals and sashes and videos and costumes and gawd! I better get going!!
I'll try and update in MUCH greater detail while I'm at my parents this weekend. If I stay home (which I have a feeling I'll be doing a lot of) I should have plenty of time to write.
Much love guys,
From a slowly recovering Mel.