11.02.03 | 8:58 am
"I'm spinning around, move out of my way..."
Written at 4:19am.
Yes, I am very aware of what the freaking time is and yes I am very crazy. It took me about an hour to get to sleep last night as it was, which was only around 5 hours ago. And here I was looking forward to a nice long, relaxing sleep. Ha. I should be so lucky.
So, I’m spinning out here. My mind is spinning out. With thoughts of Andrew, Josh, Justin, my parents, my brother, work, me, therapy… everything. Each thought as complex as the one before and just as complicated as the one after. What can you do, but try and sort through it all, arranging them as you did before, like the sock drawer you so desperately wished would remain in order.
Andrew. Well there’s a freaking complication in itself. I’ve known Andrew for probably about 4 years now. I met him for the first time on NYE 2002. For almost a year now, Andrew has very seriously believed he is in love with me. He was kind enough for share this information with me while I was in the middle of a very close and intimate relationship, with my first love, Justin Panté. You can imagine how Justin took the news and I wasn’t very impressed with Andrew at the time either. He knew how Justin would react when I told him, he knew where I stood in terms of my own emotions – i.e. I was in love with someone else. And I feel that it was selfish of him to place that on me and on to Justin. Looking back, I agree with Jus in that Andrew should have kept it to himself. Andrew knew there was nothing that could come of the way he felt. So now that Justin and I have broken up, not a whole lot has changed really. The fact that I had a boyfriend before didn’t make any difference to Drewz then, so the fact that I’m now single makes even less of a difference. Bottom line is, I’m neither physically nor emotionally attracted to Andrew and very seriously doubt that I ever will be. I’ve told him this many times. I call Andrew a friend. I’ve known him for 4 years. Yet I hardly know him. He’s one of those people that have a lot of barriers, each of which are almost impenetrable. 4 years brings with it a lot of history though. I know Andrew’s history with members of the opposite sex almost like the back of my hand. And it’s far from impressive. I find it difficult to believe that Andrew even understands the meaning of love. When he cheats on someone he says he loves and he’s still having on and off sex with his ex girlfriend while he says he’s in love with me. I think Andrew needs to do a lot of growing up and I’m getting very tired of his almost obsession with me. He says he’s had these feelings for so long that he knows it must be right. How can it be right when he knows I will never reciprocate those feelings? He really, really needs to let this go because it makes me uncomfortable around him and I’m losing him as a friend. I don’t want to be obsessed over, worshipped, put on a pedestal, thought to be the most beautiful and incredible girl in the world, treated like royalty. I don’t want that! I don’t want Andrew… and that’s never going to change. And after a year, I’m beginning to think that he’s never going to accept that and move on. Which is a shame, but the finger will be pointed at him in years to come.
Josh. Here’s another soap opera and a half. Josh is Andrew’s best mate. He started out at Ursula Frayne high school where he met William (Macca) and the two hit it off straight away. When Josh’s grades started dropping, his Mum, Janelle, pulled him out of Ursula, thinking Will was a bad influence on him. He was then enrolled at Kent St where he met Andrew and the two became like brothers. Each of these guys live within 5 minutes walking distance of each other. Andrew and Josh are best mates and have a lot of history behind them. As you can imagine, Andrew wasn’t too impressed when I told him I had a crush on Josh, the same was Jus wasn’t too impressed when Andrew told me he loved me. Only difference is, I at least stand a chance with Josh, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t try. Neither of us are in a relationship so where is the harm in that? I can accept that it’s got its morality issues. If I were closer with Andrew maybe it would make more of a difference. But our friendship is starting to wear. I first met Josh when I was living in Wembley. Andrew had talked about him quite a lot and then asked me if it was all right if he brought him around. I said sure, no problems. My first impression of Josh was that he was fairly good looking but a little standoffish. But we started talking so it was cool. And since NYE, I’d seen him only a handful of times until just recently. I’d never thought of pursuing Josh, so to speak, when I first met him, but he’s one of those guys that grows on you. He and William alike are serious best friend material. The more I get to know both of them the more I love them. The difference is that I’m also physically attracted to Josh, which could be a hindrance or a bonus. We’ll see. And so, the million dollar question tonight is, ‘Why did I tell Andrew that I had a crush on Josh?’ Well first of all, I had a feeling Andrew had a feeling hehe. Second of all, well I don’t really know second of all. It was 3am in the morning when I got home, I messaged Andrew and told him that I had a crush on Josh and then fell asleep. I spose I was being naughty. Thing is, Will could just tell that I had a thing for Josh so Andrew would have picked it up sooner or later. And I don’t really see the point in trying to keep it secret or any shit like that. I’m slightly baffled at my attraction toward Josh because of several reasons. He’s so not my type. He’s somewhat reserved, shy, he’s a tradesman (does car work, panel beating, mechanics, spray painting etc), he comes from a dysfunctional family, he has issues, he’s not financially well off, he doesn’t have his licence, he didn’t graduate high school. I don’t see him as some one who could support me, financially as well as emotionally. It’s kinda the same with the beginning of my relationship with Justin. Part of what attracted me to Justin was his helplessness. He had issues. Mainly with his self esteem. And I had already fallen for his tremendous personality and good looks and I wanted to help him. There was this amazing, beautiful person in front of me, who was struggling. Who was in pain. And I wanted to help him, I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to support him. And I guess it’s the same with Josh. Now I’m beginning to think that there’s something behind this sort of partially unhealthy attraction. I’ll be keen to discuss this with Lorraine I think. Because in the beginning it starts off wonderfully, but in my situation with Justin, after we’d been together for a considerable time, I often felt that I was giving the support and not getting as much in return. Whether that was the case or not, that’s how I felt and it’s only upon reflection that I see how much Justin did support me, but in different ways. Ways that were less obvious to me at the time. Regret is the word that springs to mind. Painful regret. *sigh*. Anyway. Back to Josh. So he’s definitely not my type. He’s not like the pretty club kid boys I usually get attracted to who shop in Live, have never ending supplies of hair gel, Nike shoes and perfect eyebrows. He’s got that rugged, manly sex appeal because he’s a trade man. And we all know how much I used to get turned on when Justin would come in from playing with his car wearing no shirt, covered in sweat with grease and dirt and oil everywhere. *rowr*. But Josh has that same sensitive side as Jus. The quiet battler. He’s more intelligent than he lets on. He has his issues but keeps them hidden. The more I think about it, the more I realise how similar he is to Justin. Is this a good or bad thing? I’m not sure yet, there are points for both sides. I feel somewhat perturbed. But whenever I’m out with my boys I can never stop laughing or smiling, so that’s more than enough for me right now.
Justin. Seems to be reborn in Josh. I think this is a bad thing. Am I looking for traits of Justin in Josh in hopes of rekindling a similar relationship to what I had with Justin? If I am, this is very bad. I need to love and accept Josh for who he is, not try and find elements of Justin within him to love. I will endeavour on this from now on and look very seriously before moving in to a relationship with him (if it ever gets to that point). I spoke to Justin on MSN last night. Like we were just a couple of people who knew each other. Not close friends. Just two people. Which I guess now we are. Its hard to forget what we’ve been through, although for some reason Justin seems intent on remembering the negative aspects of our relationship and the negative ones only. How easily the good times are forgotten. That in itself is sad. I still miss him. But I rarely think about him these days. I feel the hold of love beginning to loosen on my heart. And while I know it will never disappear completely, it will become something of a memory. A beautiful memory. When I think of Justin these days, I think of two things. Love and regret. The first person you ever fall in love with will stay with you in your heart til the end of days. And I’m glad mine was Justin because I couldn’t think of a more wonderful person to live in my heart. I feel regret because there are so many reasons our relationship fell apart. So many ‘what if’s’ which I endeavour so hard to never allow. Regret is truly painful. Like a demon, it torments you. That’s what regret is – torment. To think that I had it and I could have made it better but I didn’t. And now it’s gone forever. And I suffer willingly for all the wrong I did. I accept my demon as my deserved punishment and can do little else but that. I dream sometimes of Justin or his family. I dreamt last night of the girls, at Zoe’s birthday party. Fuck I miss those little beauties so much.
I think there are a few other things I listed at the top of this that I’m not going to talk about yet. Goes to show guys are more trouble than they’re worth. There’s only three of them and they’ve taken up the better part of two pages, damn! I’m starting to feel the ache of exhaustion in my muscles and my eyelids so I’ll leave the rest til another morning. As always, thoughts and opinions are appreciated. My special thanks to Kim who somehow always manages to find beauty and logic in what I write and to Jason for his few words that always make me smile.
Much love guys.