09.10.02 | 10:08 am
God, give me strength.
So guys... looks like I'll be leavng work early again today, at 1pm. This is killing me, I badly need the money at the moment. Today, I'm going to sit down and just write.
Last night I was pretty upset. I'm beginning to run out of strength to fight. Strength to be angry. And once the anger fades, the sadness flows in, eager to fill the wounds. I don't know why I cried. I think I started crying because I was playing with Tasha (Justin's collie) and I realised how much I missed my cat. I know it might sound silly, but you guys have no idea how much I loved my cat, Jenny. She was like, my cat, I was the closest to her out of everyone in the family. She is so beautiful.... Actually I just found a pic of her here, it's a bit dodgy 'cause it was taken at night time but *sigh* she's still gorgeous.
But anyway, when I started crying, I guess I just couldn't stop. Justin wanted me to stop, he never lets me cry, I don't know why. He needs to understand that sometimes he has to just let me cry, I have to get these things out of my system. I was crying because I realised that I had to... I had to stop and just break down, let everything run it's course. Let the anger run it's course and go, and the same with the sadness. I don't miss my parents. I never spoke to them when I was there. I kinda miss my brother, James, I'll have to get him to stay with me this weekend or something, while holidays are still on. There's so much I want to say to my parents, but I just can't seem to think straight when it comes to things like this now.
I was reading through first-love this morning, back over all the Kelly episodes... and I still haven't let go of that either. I could think clearly when I was reading about that, the anger was pure and clean. The resentment was bitter and sharp, even that tasted angry. Thinking about Elle's party has bothered me as well, Justin wanted to go because the guys were going but I firmly refused. If I see her, I'll be rude straight to her face as I will with Kelly. I've said it before and I meant it then as much as I did now. When it comes to people like those two girls, there's nothing confusing about it, no questions asked. Thinking or talking about them empowers me, my striking side comes through. I change, from a sad and broken daughter and sometimes girlfriend to a hard young woman, with a bring-it-on attitude. Fuck the world, bring it on. You wanna bring me down? Go ahead and try it bitch and I'll knock you flat on your hole. Kelly is right, the arguments we had helped me become the stronger person I once was and I needed that. Although I don't thank her for it because she did it un-intentionally. Anything when it comes to those two, gets me angry and makes me strong. I don't take shit from people. I never have, I never will. The only person I've ever forgiven is Justin. And that was one of the hardest things I had to do. If any other guy had done what he's done to me I'd be out the door so fast and I'd never look back. But Justin is different. Something binds me to him, something I have no control over. It's love. And it was love that made me forgive him. Although I still bring it up from time to time when I'm in a fuck-the-world mood.
Lol, Justin was lying on my bed last night when I was hanging my clothes up and cleaning and he goes to me, "You know, when we first started going out we were like highschool sweethearts stuff. But like now its cool 'cause we're all... mature an' shit." And I had to laugh because he tries to say all this D&M stuff while at the same time trying to remain manly and completely heterosexual. It was funny, but I do understand what he means. Me moving out was a big thing, because it was one of those things that we talked about for so long but that we never thought would actually happen. Like me getting my licence hehe. Speaking of licence's and cars, Matty can't afford to get my car. I was bitterly disappointed because I so badly needed the money. I've placed a new ad online, and I'll put it in the Quokka and West Australian for next week. I'm going to be really really short unless I can sell this car, I've got bond and rent to pay now...
My place is looking really nice now, almost everything is unpacked, I'm still waiting on my shelves to go up though. Corey came round with Justin yesterday afternoon and they bought me some flowers for my new house, Corey loves it, reckons it's very nice of which I'm glad. Dom's coming over on Thursday to look at and hopefully fix my dripping shower head, and I've got to ask about my washing machine as well. The guys brought Justin's digital camera as well so I could upload some photos, but I don't think we actually got any shots of the house. A few of all of us, but not the house lol.
Anyway I better go. Once again this has been a dismal and failing attempt to try and vent my recent emotions. I do apologise. Hopefully this writer's block will pass soon.
Much love,
From a failing Mel.