28.08.02 | 4:32 pm
X-Files - Episode 2: Times 10
Hey guys,
*sniff* *mel is very sick atm, so please bear with her* *sniff*
*groan* I woke up at 5am again and dragged my sorry ass out of bed to go to work. I was pretty sniffley the day before but I really really really need to money lol, and I can't afford to lose like $80 for taking one day off. So I went to work, and carried on all day about how I was dying etc etc (all the usual melodramas) but I ended up coming home at 12. I felt/feel like absolute shit. I came trained and bused it home and watched a couple of movies on Fox after I'd collapsed on the couch and now I'm on here being bored.. again.
Jus just had his webcam on Net Meeting coz I said I missed him and I wanted to see him. He wrote on an A4 page "I love you Mel" heehee, he's silly. I felt a bit weird though, because of what happened before, when it all became official, and it just kinda... brought back memories and made me start thinking again, asking questions, wondering what if's. So I asked him to shut it off and he did. He's a good boyfriend. Most of the time.
I was sorting through my emails today... I deleted all the ones from Drewz, mainly coz they're all crap. I had like 50 1k emails with single sentences in them, shit like "I'm sorry" or "I love you", which I don't need right now so I deleted them. I went through Kelly's emails as well and through all the chat logs that I saved and I started fuming, again. I started to write an email to her, voicing things that I never got to say when we were arguing. Leaving things unsaid bothers me until I want to chew my hands off. I wasn't going to be bitchy or rude about it, just clear and firm. I hate, hate, hate leaving things unsaid, really irks me.
Come to think of it, I might vent a little here. No harm in it, no one I know reads here. And those who do, well you shouldn't be here so it's your own fault it you have a cry!
If I could say anything to Kelly, (without actually saying it, which would cause WW3), I'd say this.
To Kelly. Thoughts and opinions times 10.
#1. Justin does not know the meaning of diverse. I just thought you might like to know seeing as how you think he sees you as a person of great diversity.
#2. Justin loves me. He loves me for the beautiful person I am, regardless of whether you think he is blind or not. He loves me more than anything or anyone in this world and you nor anyone will ever be able to change that.
#3. You do not know who I am. You have no right to judge me like you did. You have no right to tell me that I have no morals, no values, an attitude problem and that I care for no one but myself.
#4. You should be more thoughtful when you tell me that my boyfriend feels he can talk to you more easily than anyone else (which is not true anyway). It's not very nice thing to hear on the receiving end.
#5. You should think of the consequences of what you say, before you speak. Saying it's your opinion doesn't make it hurt any less. Even though it may not be your intention, you can come across as rude, uncaring and blunt. Sharing your opinions is excellent, disagreeing is fine too, but a little tact and consideration is required when speaking your mind.
#6. Your relationship will never match mine and Justin's. Don't tell me that when I have known Justin for as long as you have that our relationship will be as strong as yours is now. That is callous. A friendship can never match true love. There can be no comparison. What does love know of age or time?
#7. Do not tell me that you and Justin have been through a lot of shit and that I wouldn't know half of it. I know everything that Justin can remember, what on earth would make you think he wouldn't tell me? And what on earth could make you think that Justin and I haven't been through a lot of shit as well? More even? Do not assume to know our relationship and I will not assume to know yours.
#8. Please do not threaten me. Your relationship with Justin already seemed threatening enough. Do not say to me that if Justin wants to speak to you about something that he will and that I can't stop him. I never said that could. But do not think that if I don't want Justin to tell you something that he will.
#9. Please do not get offended over any of this. As I recall you don't get offended, am I right? This is the reason I say these things.
#10. The last thing I want you to know is that the last time we spoke when we had a big argument on that Wednesday afternoon, as soon as I got in Justin's car, I leaned over and cried my heart out to him. You are the only person who has ever made me doubt myself. You made me ask myself "Am I a bad person?" The things you said to me hurt me so much that I had started to believe it. And I honestly, honestly just cannot comprehend how you can say to someone "I don't know how you can like yourself," or "I don't know how [your boyfriend] can love you when you carry on like this," and not feel the slightest bit of regret, guilt or care. Justin was furious when I told him, although I have a feeling he wouldn't have been quite so furious when you spoke to him the day after. Justin loves me. He loves me. This was never about me trying to come between you and him, I'm not like Elle, I wouldn't go out of my way to destroy any relationship, friendly or intimate. But Justin loves me. And when you hurt me, you hurt him. He didn't deserve the apology that you gave him on Thursday. I did. But you never even had the stomach to admit it to me. Even after you realised how much you upset me and by doing so upset Justin, you didn't have the decency to tell me that you were sorry. Well I'm sorry. I've wasted so many tears on you. After all the thoughts and destiny and faith bullshit you've fed me, you made me doubt myself and you hurt me. I am who I am. I thought you of all people would be able to deal with that, without belittling me. Fair enough I didn't always agree with you, but I never slagged you. I never called you a bitch, said you have no morals or values, I never questioned how you could live with yourself. I appreciated you listening to me, I always listened to you and I was thankful for most of your views and opinions. I am a beautiful person, in love with a beautiful man. I have beautiful friends and a family that loves me. I am not a bad person. Shame on you for making me ever think otherwise.
Now a careful reminder. Justin, please remember I asked you not to read this. If you read this and become upset or angry, its your own fault. These are my thoughts and feelings, I cannot change the way I feel. And suddenly, I've lost the urge to write. I'm exhaused, so I'll leave it here and pray that you'll forgive me.
With everlasting love,
Melinda.