09.12.02 | 12:01 am
weekend entries.
This is one of the entries I wrote in my leather diary over the weekend.
Sunday, 8 December 2002. 5:42pm.
So this is my life on December 8, 2002, as it stands.
My name is Melaney Massey-Chase. I am 17 years and 9 months old. I suffer from Anxiety Disorder.
I've been told that I have a fear of being afraid. Ever since I can remember and ever since my parents can remember I've had a fear of people being sick (as in vomiting). Almost a complete phobia, including even myself.
For the last month I've had chronic gastritis. I've disrupted or damaged the lining of my stomach. The two main contributors were alcohol (from the Melbourne Cup day) and stress (from moving, my parents, Justin). With gastritis comes extreme stomach upset, nausea, vomiting, cramps and general pain. My fear of vomiting on top of my already high stress levels has elevated my gastritis and caused the almost breakdown stafe I faced very recently. The doctor offered me medication. I never thought I would be offered prescription anti-depressants at age 17.
So this is my choice and challenge: to take back my life from the clutches of fear, terror and enxiety. My physical and emotional stability was below zero two days ago. The gastritis had become so completely unbearable and my mental state alone had caused me to be physically sick. I had a complete and uncontrollable breakdown of sense and control. I was a wreck. And I felt like I wanted to die. I wanted to stay in that moment crying on my bed forever. So tomorrow or the next day or the next day would never come and I wouldn't have to worry and be sick and afraid. I was at my breaking point and it was the most frightening thing I have ever experienced in my whole life.
But, I was strong enough to cry out for help. And it came in the form of my parents. My boyfriend of almost 14 months, Justin, panicked and became scared. How could he help me like that? I understand, though, that this is very hard for him. I am looking to him for great support yet he has never been a strong person. My Dad came and picked me up. He told me it was all over. "Quit your job, leave the unit, come back home - it's all over." He would take care of it all.
We stopped at Centrelink and we got a form. I would claim Youth Allowance as I was unable to work due to illness. Later that afternoon I would go to the dotor to get a certificate stating I was unfit for work. The fear and anxiety of that alone made me physically sick. I was skaing uncontrollably, feeling like I was continously going to vomit. The pain in my stomach was enough to make me cry. I really did want to die. I refused to leave the bathroom, I said I couldn't, I was too sick. My whole body was in pain and my mind was completely gone. But my parents forced me into the car and to the doctors. I waited outside with Mum with a bucket, a hot water bottle and a bottle of water. Dad waited inside until my name was called.
I spoke to Dr Dobney for a while. I told her about my hear of catching the bus to work, my fear of being in a confined space with other people (like at work, in buses, cars, taxis, shopping centre's, doctor's surgerys...). My fear of vomiting infront of other people. My fear of vomiting.
She offered me medication but we settled on a month off work and a survivor's guide to Panic Attacks - soon to become my Bible. I went home and rested. I was overcome with boiling emotion and physical pain.
And since then, I've become better. Very, very gradually. When you're at the bottom, it can only get better. I've been able to control part of my anxiety attacks which in turn keeps me feeling physically better. There have been setbacks but that means I have also progressed. It had taken a LOT of effort, almost constant to control my anxiety attacks. It has been very hard but I have people to help me, pick me up and support me on my way to good health. That and a determination for myself to get better and to change my patterns of thinking. I am strong, my strength will never fail completely and thus I know I can survive this and get better!
To do this I must (1) change my thinking patterns but also (2) resolve issues that are adding to my anxiety.
* My job: will be over tomorrow. Dad will take care of it all so I have nothing to worry about. I'll be nervous and apprehensive but also excited and relieved.
* My parents: are becoming good friends with me now. And the relationship between them and Justin is on the mend which is also a great relief. I'm not going to push that particular issue because its between them, not me.
* Justin: will take a lot longer.
Justin... is an amazing person. When times are good, they're great. He's fun, humourous, caring, loving and affectionate. I love him so much and I owe a lot to him but I have sacrificed a lot for him or to be with him. Including my own happiness at times. And that must stop. I don't always get back what I put in and it's affected me as I can now see. I've decided it's time to start doing things for me, taking care of me and watching out for me. I've spent the better part of a year shaping my world around Justin and his world. And that too must change.
I always swore I would never lose my independance, especially to a guy. Most guys I know aren't worth it. Although it sounds harsh, I've suffered a lot from Justin's arrogance and immaturity. A lot of his "fun" has been at my painful expense and I refuse to stand it anymore. Once more is all it will take. It's not a threat it's a fact. I've never been an optimistic person but I've tried so hard in our relationship and often feel that effort is one way. I am not entirely optimistic as to the long term future of our relationship only because I find it greatly difficult to trust Justin. Repairing trust itself is hard enough, but having it constantly broken down along the road to recovery feels even worse. So, I take each day as it comes and make the most of the good times.
6:33pm.