18.12.02 | 1:42 pm
without you.
Well today has been thoroughly shit for some bizarre reason. Dad took me home at around lunch time yesterday. MIRACLE - Mum went with us. Justin came over in the afternoon to keep me company but had a killer headache and slept for most of the avo. He left at 6:30 to go play basketball at which stage I was glad to have a little time to myself even though I was feeling like shit. It gave me a good chance to clean anyway. He came home after the game (which went well) and we started watching Sneakers. I got up and went to bed after a little while because I wasn't feeling well and Justin came in after the movie finished I think. He woke me up and forced me to have my Zoloft (which I would have taken eventually by myself) and I was ready to strangle him because he wouldn't leave me alone til I took it. We both fell asleep on our separate sides of the bed and it stayed that way for most of the night and this morning.
I woke up early and rose at about 6am, started to cautiously eat a banana and watched some crappy kids cartoons until Justin woke up and called me back to bed. We talked for a little bit about how Justin was upset because I was sick and about how we hadn't had sex for a week (yes it's true, I think its the longest we've ever gone without) and all this other stuff. For some reason, it was all about Justin. And for some reason, it was me comforting him this morning. Again. And then I started feeling guilty and started worrying because it's me that's making him feel this way. And that's really something I don't need at the moment.
I understand that Justin has never been a very strong person. Support isn't one of his finer traits. But God, he tries. He tries so hard, so hard it makes me want to cry. He just doesn't know what to do or what to say, and he continually resorts to helpless "I love you's", kisses on the forehead and forced attempts to make me smile. And I know that I'm bringing him down and I can't let myself do that. Mum told me its the same with her and Dad. For years Dad has bought her down, although unintentionally. It's just something that can't be helped. 95% of the time, Justin is as stressed, upset, worried or as sick as I am. Which doesn't help me and it makes me feel bad for bringing him down and making him worry. Now he'll probably read this and sink lower into his state of stress and worry and self-pity but that's not my intention. I've done everything I can and I know there's nothing he can do. I love him to pieces but I think this is something he's not going to be able to help me through. I'm thinking about staying with Mum and Dad for a while. A week maybe. However long they'll put up with me hehe. It's just nice being here. And Mum and Dad know how to look after me. They know exactly what I'm going through because they're going through it right now or they've been through it. I think its better for everyone this way. Then Justin can have a break as well.
Anyway I have to run, Once And Again is about to start (damn daytime television). I'll try and finish this up later.
Much love guys
Melinda.