24.05.04 | 6:36 pm
Wonderful
Aries: Your head overrules your heart, and you're not sure if that's good news or bad news. Either way, the results are quite different than expected. Make the best of this situation. It's good when you see the potential, but beware of letting enthusiasm flood out your deep sense of right and wrong. You're about to learn which part of you is actually in control. The lesson promises to be a real eye-opener. If you ever needed a clear signal about what you should be doing, this is the time. The stars give you an opportunity that most people rarely get.
Note: All daily horoscope readings are taken from Astrology.com.
This time, this place, its about me. Not about the other half, the significant other, the person I live my life for. Its for me.
So the strength is still there, but only just. Today/tonight was/is hard. Very, very hard. It was funny seeing him at work, well, not funny. Not funny at all. It was good to see him, because I do miss him greatly. And I still think he's completely gorgeous and sexy. And I knew that if I drove up to his place right now, he'd still have me tonight. It wouldn't change anything or make anything better, but at least it would make us feel better for a few hours at least. We'd still feel loved. So knowing that I could still pick up the phone and call him and then be on my way to his house in a matter of minutes to be with him, its been very hard to leave it alone. Very, very, very hard.
It was uncomfortable between us today... speaking on the phone, seeing each other around the office. I think he knows he's really, really upset me this time and that I've had enough. He'll blame himself entirely for it and so he should, because "we" are not ending because "we have to", because that's "life" and "just the way things are"... It's ending because he chooses to end it. And it will take me years to forgive him for this.
He called me a couple of times on Sunday morning to (a) tell me he lost his phone and then (b) to ask if I found my purse. He knew something was up, though he's smart to enough to know that anyway given our conversation the night before. Then he texted me from Frank's phone this afternoon asking if I wanted to catch up. I thought, Is this guy for real?! Like he really honestly thought that he could still get a fuck out of me after what he said to me the night before. So I wrote back saying "And why would you want to do that?" (Catch up, that is). He wrote back saying sorry he asked and to forget it. I couldn't believe him, he made it sound like I was being the bitch. So I wrote back saying "Come on gimme a break Rome, after all the 'I have no idea' and 'let it go' what the fuck do you expect? He wrote back saying "Ok, like I said sorry. I don't want to argue babe." I scoffed and sent back "Save the 'babe' and tell Frank I said hello. See you at work."
No reply, suprise suprise. Smart man.
Fact of the matter is that I love Rome, more than he will ever know and more than he will ever love me. I've never given him my whole heart, which has been hard, but then I never had all of his and have finally realised that I never will.
I have completely fallen for Christie's baby boy, Jameson. The more time I spend with him, the more I can't wait to have my own. Hearing his laugh, seeing his eyes light up, touching his skin and his hair.. he's so incredible. I spend hours upon hours playing with him, watching him, holding him. Wishing, waiting, wanting.
But after Saturday night, I give up with Rome. I give up trying to prove myself and justify everything that I think on life and love. I refuse to be subjected to his continuous condescendence, like I know nothing about who I am and what I want. I said to him on Saturday night (though he probably doesn't remember because he would have been too wasted), "Years mean shit Rome. A 16 year old can know what they want where some 50 year olds wouldn't. You've experienced things for the first time in your life at 36, that I've experiencd at 18. I've been in love in this world, this life, just as many times as you have, in half the time. Years mean shit."
He makes me so mad, like I've been through nothing in the years I've been alive. Like I don't know what pain is, what real fucking pain is, like I don't know how it feels to be betrayed or to betray someone else. I'm not going to go into details here because a lot of my experiences are very personal, but I said to him on Saturday night, "Experience? Don't even go there Rome cause I would shit all over you on that one." Human emotion is human emotion, whether you live it for 10 years or live it for 30 years. Heartbreak is heartbreak. Betrayal is betrayal. Regret is regret. Guilt is guilt. If he thinks he's been through more human emotion than me just because he's older, I've got news for you baby and its all bad. If there's one thing that pisses me off in this life, it's people that make incorrect assumptions about other people and who then degrade them for it. Justin did it over countless things after our break up. Rome has no idea about who I am, what I've been through, why I am the way I am... and yet he continues to demean me for it.
I give up trying to give him what he wants while never getting what I want... I just give up. He's not a bad person though and he'll come around eventually, but long after I'm gone. He just needs to find himself again and get back on track. But I won't help him anymore.
I can't do it anymore; it has become a thankless task. We always said our relationship was based on our support for each other. But I was never lost, I was never looking to be found, I was never confused. I didn't need the support he did and still does. I've been there before, right down there, and wanted to give in from the pain and the strength it drained from me. I struggled but I pulled through thanks to people that love me, friends, family and professionals. Rome needs a very strong support network, and a healthy one at that. Away from "friends" that cheat and lie, away from the drugs, away from the hard parties and the young girls.
There's more to say, there always is. But not tonight. I need to rest. Because the tears come sooner or later and I can't control them.
"I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes and tell me everything is wonderful now." - Everclear