22.10.02 | 8:02 am
last night's writing
21st Oct 2oo2. 8:43pm.
Dear Justin,
I had the deepest urge to write tonight, like actual hand writing in my leather diary. I love my diary, I really do. I think I'd go barking mad if I didn't write. So I had my diary out and I was flicking through my last few entries and then I realised that I had so much to say and that it would take far too long to hand write it all, so I decided to type it. Don't worry, this isn't a bad letter. It has bad elements in it but that's just part of my thoughts. It's not ended to be wholely "bad".
Tonight was nice and peaceful. I missed you lots and I was very angry that I missed the first bus from Perth, but tonight has been nice and quiet. It's nice to just chill out and have a relaxing night to yourself every now and again. Spewing that I don't have a bath here.. *sigh*. I like cleaning my house when there's no one here, I like sitting on my balcony and playing guitar or writing in my diary. I like cooking my food and then cleaning the kitchen afterwards.. making sure everything is neat and straight. You know what I'm like. But I'd rather have you next to me more often, these nights are nice just once in a while. I still prefer you much more :)
I spoke to James tonight, he said that Telethon was great. He met the whole cast of All Saints, Pink, Aristos the Surprise Chef and so many others that he couldn't remember them all :P. He was very pleased. Mum and Dad are going to some party with Aunty Christine this weekend, Saturday night I think. I got Chris' mobile and phone number from James and I msged her asking her to call me when she has the time. I'll definitely call her before Saturday thought because otherwise Mum and Dad will just tell her that "I moved out" rather than they kicked me out. And I don't think they'd bring up the situation with you either.
I was thinking today.... as I always do. When I watched Cruel Intentions I cried so much, I was just in one of those moods. I was contemplating calling you whilst bawling my eyes out and begging you to drive round just so I could hug you and tell you that I love you. And that song, God, "Colorblind" by the Counting Crows. What an awesome song. Love in the movies always seems to much more dramatic that in real life. But that's just movies I guess. It was sad and moving, I missed you so much while watching it. I thought about you and about how much I love you... and about all the things we've been through. I thought about Kelly, as I do on a regular basis and I thought about us. Things that were good, things that were bad. Things that I wanted to change, things that were perfect the way they were.
I still don't think you understand the depth and breadth of these Kelly "issues". And trust me, they are very real issues. That bothers me, because about 50% of the upset over these issues was caused by you. And while I appreciate you being there for me when I turned to you, I still don't understand many things you said. Obviously I still have not been able to move on from this episode of several months ago, mainly due to the outstanding lack of closure that I have sought so many times, only to be faced with more questions, more tears and even less answers than I had in the first place. At the time I feel like giving up, but in a couple of weeks, the growl in the pit of my stomach is clearly audible again and I feel my muscles tense everytime I hear the word Kelly. And I'm sorry but I cannot move on from this for some reason. It's a catch 22. It always is. I ask you questions and I'm never satisfied with the answers I get. Not because they're not what I want to hear, but because I don't really see them as genuine, thoughtful answers. And I feel hurt that you don't seem to exert the same amount of effort that I do. She was probably one of the biggest issues in our relationship. I would like to say I blame her for our break up because a large part of the reason I chose to break up with you was because of your relationship with Kelly, which seemed against me. But placing the blame is weak and I accept that they were my actions and only I was responsible for them.
Sometimes I feel that maybe I'm not enough for you. I know you love me when it comes down to it, more than I love you probably. And I noticed that some time ago, you only started being serious about telling me and, more importantly, showing me how much you loved me when you came close to losing me. When we fought, when I wsa really really angry or upset about something and the fact of the matter was that I could have broken up with you right there and then. That's when you started becoming serious. After you replied to my email with 6 points in it, I was quite distraught and instead of becoming angry and upset like I usually would, I panicked and turned back to me. I thought/think that it was my fault you were so bored. If you weren't bored in the first place, then none of the RMB stuff would have happened, you wouldn't look at porn all the time, you wouldn't feel the need to have so many other girl friends online. I had thought it before, but then there it was in black and white straight infront of me. You were bored. It was something to do. And devastatingly enough, it was me that felt like the failure. And to me, that's not fair. I felt that I had failed you because I was not enough for you. I wasn't enough to have and to keep your attention. I wasn't enough so you looked for excitement and pleasure elsewhere. I know that you regret most of the things you've said and done (when I say most I'm talking in reference to RMB and to the Kelly episodes) but what I'm saying now hasn't been said before. (If you don't want to hear it and if you think I'm just dregging up the past again then don't read it. But you will never be able to say that you didn't know, that I don't talk to you and that I don't tell you everything). Then a couple of weeks back I started trying to think of things to do. I'm not sure if you noticed, but when I came round I tried to keep you off the computer as much as possible. I asked if we could go to my house or go to the shops. I thought, 'Maybe if I can keep him occupied doing something else, he won't get bored and then go looking for temporary, "harmless" amusement. *shrug* Might sound crazy but that's just me.
As a person I've always been naturally insecure. Whether its because of the mistreat I've been through before I'm not sure, but insecurity is one of my greatest weaknesses. I question myself instead of placing the blame, and while sometimes this can be productive, it's not always the best way to approach the solution to an everlasting issue.
I love you. I will probably marry you and bear your children. I'll probably carry your last name and give birth to the son that will carry that name on, down the generations. I say all these things that I feel to try and bring myself closer to you and I'd only wish that you could do the same. I know it doesn't come as easy to you, but this is what I can offer you. My soul. My soul is my life, my mind, my thoughts, my fears, my heart. And I give it to you because I think and I hope that you appreciate it and that you would return the favour to me some day. There is not one thing about my life or about me or the way I feel about something that you do not know. When I write in my leather diary, the only difference would be that I hold free speech in my diary. I can write raw, blunt emotions, without worrying about hurting someone's feelings. And in the opposite way, I tell you whatever I write about in my diary but with more consideration and tact. Fair's fair though. You know all of me, you know everything I think and everything I feel, even though all of it may not be good. I only wish that I knew you like you know me.
I will be posting the Kelly emails and entries this afternoon. Some of it you will like, some of it you will hate. You asked me before to do it after I decided not to. So I'll do it now. But if you don't want me to do it then tell me and I won't.
With everlasting love,
Mel.